GetSheila

No Partying – Go Straight To Your Room

Every year on April 15th, the office closes promptly at 5:00 and meets up at a local restaurant for drinks and dinner to celebrate making it though another tax season. We call it the Survivors Party.

No, we do not wear skimpy clothing, stab each other in the back, or scavenge for immunity necklaces.

Spouses are invited and we often run into other accounting offices doing the same thing. Merced is a small town and there just are not that many restaurants. So it’s a party we look forward to every year.

At least I thought we all did.

This year, the office manager sent out a message a mere ten days before the 15th telling us where and when the party would be held. This is a pet peeve of mine. Two, actually.

First, she knows we have this party every year yet she waits until the last minute to book it. In fact, I am fairly certain she does not take the initiative at all but only makes the call when one of the partners realizes we have not set anything up yet and tells her to do it. As I mentioned, there are not a lot of restaurants to choose from and we cannot always get a reservation for our large party at the last minute.

Second, we always go to the same restaurant. Always. Why? Not because the food it great, no. We go there because they are a client and always behind on their bill. We take our party out in trade.

Now don’t get me wrong, the food is quite adequate. It would just be nice to try something different now and again.

So we get the party notice, it is late, but we are having a party, just like we have done every year I have been an accountant, which is twenty plus. Three days later, we receive an email from Big Kahuna saying the party has been postponed to a later date, probably in May.

Um, what?

I can see deciding to institute a new tradition. Maybe people are dog tired on April 15th and would rather go home than to a party. I can see that. What I do not see is how you can set up the party as per usual, get it on everyone’s calendar, have their significant others clear their calendars for that evening, then cancel, all without consulting the staff. You know, the people the party is really for: to thank them for all their hard work.

And why, exactly, was the party cancelled - excuse me - “postponed?” Not in deference to people who might be tired and just want to go home, no. Big Kahuna cancelled the party because he wanted to drive to the coast to see his son play in a baseball tournament. A tournament that runs from Wednesday (April 15th) through Friday.

So whether he attends the party and drives to the coast afterward, either that night or early in the morning, or skips the party entirely and drives to the coast late in the afternoon, he still misses the Wednesday game but arrives in time for the Thursday game. He chose to cancel our party and thanked us for our understanding.

Dude, this is me, not understanding.

He had the balls to add, “I know this is changing tradition, but as our new President said, “change is in the air.””

The same President he refers to as Obamination. I am pretty sure there is a rule against quoting someone you loathe when the phrase you formerly ridiculed suddenly fits your circumstance.

The first thing that came to mind was: why should the entire party be cancelled just because Big Kahuna chooses not to attend? He is not the only partner. The plans have already been made. Why rain on everyone else’s parade?

So a staff member sent out an email asking who wanted to get together anyway just for drinks and appetizers.

And that is where it all fell apart. You would think, what with everyone already having the time reserved, people would say yes. One unsociable sort said no immediately. Another played the kid card, citing having to make special food in preparation for wisdom teeth extraction the next day, because teenagers are incapable of feeding themselves, apparently. The remaining partner clearly did not want to attend but felt he had to. Dude: It’s a party not a chore.

What with all that cheer and goodwill floating around, I said:

[For RSS readers: video inserted below]

 

Several people did get together but I was so disgusted with the whole thing I pooped out and went home. I was no longer in the mood. Deciding whether or not to go out and have fun should not be so hard.

And now I find out no one expects we will ever actually have a Survivors Party. Big Kahuna’s email said “maybe in May.” The general consensus is, “I’ll believe it when I am sitting in a deck chair in Big Kahuna’s back yard, sipping on a cool beverage.”

I was pissed the party was cancelled but I did assume we would eventually have one, until I heard that. What a bummer. Even if we have one now, it won’t be the same. Gone is the relief felt on April 15th as the last tax return walks out the door. It is not a Survivors Party if everyone is well rested and no longer feels harried. What is the point?

It will be an office party. Big deal. And listening to Big Kahuna and Buff Kahuna bicker about whose house will host the party, clearly indicating neither one wants to have us all over, does not encourage me to attend. Not that it is optional. If it were, it would be cancelled due to lack of interest because we are an office of party poopers.

And to think I used to be the Happy Hour Coordinator when I worked in the Bay Area.

Any bets on whether they go back to having an April 15th party actually on April 15th next year?

 

Technorati Tags: survirors party,tax follies,after tax season party

Will I or Won’t I?

I am contemplating obtaining a Masters degree in Taxation.

I am a CPA: accountant, tax preparer, bean counter, glorified bookkeeper, all around number cruncher. Several years ago, after working for a Big 4 accounting firm then later as Tax Manager at a national newspaper company, I decided I no longer wanted to be an accountant and left my job. Shortly thereafter, the company was bought out and everyone in my department lost their jobs.

A few years later I was back in tax at a global high-tech manufacturing company but soon switched departments to dabble in portal content management. I left the company altogether due to the chaos created by underfunding, undermanning, and underappreciating the portal team. Shortly thereafter, the company eliminated the department altogether and everyone lost their jobs.

*Trying to pretend I do not know what a Jonah is right now.*

I am now back at the small town public accounting firm I left over ten years ago to obtain broader tax experience in the big metropolis. It is like an old shoe, this firm: comfortable and warm and perhaps a bit boring. Hence the idea of obtaining my Masters degree to jazz things up a bit.

I emailed three of my friends who are high up the Tax food chain in both public companies and private accounting firms to ask about how a specific online course/University is respected, what they think of a potential new hire with a degree from this online U compared to a brick-and-mortar school, etc.

Two emailed back great info about the school’s reputation, the current scarcity of qualified people at certain tax levels, etc. The third called me the next day. I have condensed and paraphrased the conversation for your convenience:

Friend: WHY do you want to jump into a Masters degree program?
Me: I’m bored.
Friend: How old will you be when you finish?
Me: 50, including a few years of indentured servitude to my current employer if they opt to pay for the degree.
Friend: Um, WHY do you want to do this again?
Me: Think of it as really expensive CPE.*
Friend: Oh, well in that case, why not?

We are much alike, me and Friend. It was the right question to ask. Also factor in the fact that I only had one tax class in college. ONE. Yes, yes, I have had many CPE courses over the past twenty+ years and I have accumulated a vast amount of knowledge on the job, which is invaluable. BUT – and there is always a BUT – it feels slapdash and piecemeal. Tax is a fast moving business and the general attitude is “Go get your required CPE in the minimum possible amount of nonchargeable time and get your ass back here to bill bill bill and make the firm some money.” It is the nature of the business.

I have proposed weekly lunchtime CPE at the firm, where I teach classes on subjects ranging from simple Excel tips and tricks to more complicated tax subjects. The Masters course would give me fodder for the latter, which the partners themselves might be interested in. They are both incredibly smart but neither of them has a Masters degree in Tax, in fact I do not know of anyone in town who has one, so it could be fun for all.

Enrollment begins later this month for classes starting at the end of August. Decisions, decisions.

________________________________________________

*CPA licensing requirements demand a certain number of hours of Continuing Professional Education (CPE) each two-year licensing period. Costs start at about $100 for a self-study class on a simple subject earning a few hours of CPE and go up from there. Each 3-unit course at the online U approximates $2,500 but it does count for 45 hours of CPE.

Technorati Tags: masters in tax,why get a masters degree?

If I only get 3% again this year, somebody’s new tan will be hanging from my wall

The Kahunas are in Hawaii this week. Yes, Hawaii. At a “conference,” which just happens to coincide with their friends and loved ones also being over there. Things I heard before they left:

BIG KAHUNA: It’s my in-laws’ 50th wedding anniversary. They are paying for everyone’s flight and lodging. It just happens to be the same week as the conference.

BUFF KAHUNA: I am using frequent flier miles so our flights are free.

TRANSLATION: We are still broke from building this brand new office last year. At your review next week, try not to focus on our fabulous new tans when we tell you everyone is getting a measly 3% raise again this year regardless of how hard (or not) they worked.

Perhaps I should practice flaying skin from a fish this week. Just so I am ready.

Technorati Tags: annual review,raises

House Obsessing as Procrastination

I yearn to remodel my house.

Then I hit myself over the head with that saying about not focusing on getting what you want, but rather wanting what you already have.

And then I go back to yearning about remodeling my house.

The sticky part is I have no money. But that should not stop me. No. What I would really like to do is state my wants and needs to someone (designer? contractor?) and have them draft up a plan telling me how much the whole plan will cost, but broken down by project so I can take things on in stages as the money becomes available. I also want that person to improve upon my initial idea and come up with something much better than I can think up all by me-self.

But who is this magical person? First I thought: designer (because I watch way too much Divine Design and Candace Olson seems to do it all, in one sitting while the camera is rolling.) But do designers really know all about building codes and which walls can be knocked down and all that? I am thinking no. So, a contractor then. But "contractor" does not call up visions of beautiful design. It instead makes me think of walls ripped down the studs and drywall dust flying everywhere.

My apologies to contractors everywhere. I am sure you are so much more than that.

So who do I call? Where do I begin? And what am I doing thinking about this now in the middle of tax season when I should be spending every waking moment working on somebody's taxes?

Whatever.

Remember how I really REALLY wanted to remodel my kitchen? I am over that now. Not completely, but I have decided I need a new master bathroom first. And probably a new guest bathroom at the same time, since it will probably be easier to do them concurrently since they share a plumbing wall.

See? SEE? This is another problem! I tell myself I can start small and just do one room but then I realize it would be more cost efficient to do it along with the one next door and it just snowballs from there. Not to mention the part where doing both bathrooms at the same time leaves me with NO TOILET. Gah!

I need a plan. My Queendom for a plan!

Tags: house obsession, tax follies

My love affair with Quickbooks Remote Access

It is more of a love/hate relationship, really, my affair with Quickbooks Remote Access.

Quickbooks is an accounting program the great majority of our small business clients use. In the past, I would get a backup of the client's Quickbooks file, restore it to my computer, make all my changes, and then give the client a list of journal entries to book.

Which of course they would not do, a fact I would only discover the following year when nothing rolled forward correctly and I could not tie to the prior year's tax return.

::sigh::

There are other ways to get the client file adjusted but suffice it to say none of them work on some clients. Enter Quickbooks Remote Access.

I can now log into the client's file remotely - access their computer while sitting at my computer - and when I am done, I am DONE. The real beauty of it is that while I am in the client's file, I can set it up so the system will not allow them to post earlier than a certain date like, say, the end of year I just wrapped up with a tidy little bow. HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The "hate" part of my love/hate relationship with Quickbooks Remote Access is having to deal with the time lag. The slower the client's computer, the longer the delay. It reminds me of the olden days when computers were new and their responses were slow but 'tis a cross I am happy to bear. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Or something.

I am sure there is an appropriate Star Trek reference that applies.

Live long and pay as little tax as possible. Yeah, that's the one.

Tags: tax follies

Lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency on mine

I have always wanted to use that line. No such luck so far this year. Tax season is going surprisingly smoothly.

Of course, 'tis early yet. Three weeks to go until the corporate tax deadline. Two weeks after that, April Fool's Day, which usually brings out the crazy people who suddenly realize the tax deadline for individuals is a mere two weeks away.

"Omigod I have to file my taxes! Can you help me? Can you help me RIGHT NOW? You're not busy, are you? What do I need to bring you?"

Because having filed taxes every year for the past twenty years is apparently not enough practice to give them a clue what they might need for THIS year's taxes.

Then they are surprised to discover all of your available appointments have been booked by people who actually plan ahead and, though we do take mail-ins and will try very hard, there is no guarantee we can get it done by the deadline on such short notice and with all of the other returns that came in the door before theirs arrived.

But so far, no crazy people. Just a lot of Quickbooks backup files and many, many journal entries.

And a lot of hungry accountants spending way too much together.

Tags: tax follies

Well for heaven's sake, where does the time go?

When last we spoke, I was experiencing weird episodes of dizziness. Luckily, they have disappeared. I can only assume the alien crystals that took up residence in my ear canal have been reabsorbed into the greater entity. Whatever. I am just happy the world no longer spins.

The Mom

Today I accompanied my 80 year old mother to the doctor where she took a stress test. I thought the test should consist of me sitting her down to say, "Guess what? I am pregnant. And single. And the baby and I will be moving in with you for the next 20 years!" But no, they just made her walk on a treadmill for as long as she could stand it. That turned out to be all of about 3 minutes, which was perfectly fine because the doctor pronounced her heart healthy and strong.

She has been experiencing "fluttering" when she is very still, like at night before she drops off to sleep. There is no pain. The doc says it may be extra heart beats, which are nothing to be concerned about. He says it is definitely not angina. Or as definite as doctors will get these days, which I translate as the equivalent of the accountant's "more probable than not" argument for taking a tax position. He actually said he is 98% sure it is not angina so, hey, I believe him. Could be because he was so personable and attentive to my mom.

The Yoga

Have I mentioned I have been doing morning yoga for about two months now? Speaking of my mother makes me think of it because she is NOT bendy, as in "Wayne Newton on Dancing with the Stars" Not Bendy. Worse, actually. I am more along the lines of "former cheerleader who has been sitting on her ass behind a desk for 25 years and has not roller bladed since 1995" Not Bendy. If you are a yoga person, you will scoff at the notion that Rodney Yee's AM Yoga can possibly benefit anyone. (If that is you, shut up, you bendy slut.) I am here to say, oh yes, AM Yoga rocks! I can do it in 5-10 minutes in the morning, after the hair and makeup and before the putting on of the clothes.

As M. Yee says in the video (which I no longer watch because I just can't be bothered now that I have the routine down and who has time for pre-yoga "centering" and post yoga "meditation" anyway?), "In the beginning, the benefits of these exercises may seem small." I thought so, too, but I did feel the stretches so I continued every morning and, guess what? I no longer get neck aches and stress headaches from sitting at my desk all day. And I can reach just that much farther each day, and stretch my legs just that much more. Yes, the benefits are small, but they are tangible and I do love them so.

The Tax Season

Dear god, it has only begun and all I can think of is, "When will it end?" I have been working 7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day for the past month and I DO NOT LIKE IT. It is an interesting contrast to last year, though. Let's see, this time last year I was:

• Commuting 2 hours a day, 3 days a week
• Telecommuting to that same job 2 days a week
• Blogging professionally a minimum of one post per day, because it was required in my contract
• Blogging on my personal blog one post per day, because I was obsessed
• Caring for an aging, ailing cat with daily subcutaneous fluid injections and periodic trips to the vet
• Living with another person and trying to pretend I did not want to live alone (as was she)

This year, I am living in my own home with two young, healthy kitties and commuting all of 5 minutes to work each day, with no extracurricular blogging duties (except for this, my personal blog, which I have lately shunned in the name of mental health and making more money from my day job.)

I suppose I should not complain but, really, I do not know why I chose this profession. WHAT WAS I THINKING? It certainly was not "Accounting is sexy!" Oh wait, I DIDN'T choose this profession. It just sort of happened, like everything else in my life.

Hm.

Gosh, look at the time. I brought work home but it is already 9:00pm. I just don't think I am going to get to it tonight. Only an 8 hour day today. What a slacker.

Tags: mom, tax follies, yoga

Ode to Asshole

Dear Bitch, Asshole & Co. Client,

In response to your recent letter terminating our services, I thank you. In fact, how soon can you get down here to pick up your shit? The entire office went out for drinks to celebrate and I don't want to miss the party.

I am a little confused by some of the things you said in your letter. Perhaps you can enlighten me. 

You began with a list of grievances we met to discuss - and resolved - months ago. Four months, to be exact. At the time of that meeting, the Horrible Deeds were already over six months in the past, had not recurred, and were not likely to recur as they were due to unusual circumstances. We saw that you were upset, however, so we apologized and promised it would never happen again. And, if fact, it did not. Yet here they are showing up again in your letter as some sort of attempt to chastise us for prior bad behavior. Really, can't you just give us after-school detention and be done with it?

I notice you inflated our transgressions just a teensy bit, too. Did you think we would not notice a financial statement delayed by one month due to tax season and the physical relocation of our office suddenly morphing into four whole months without a financial statement? But then, you always have been prone to exaggeration. Perhaps you don't even know you are doing it.

I did have to laugh out loud at the part where you quoted us as saying we were not interested in providing services in a professional manner. Quoted! (I am giggling a bit right now, even.) Who would say that? I think we probably confused you with our accountant-speak. Here is a primer: 

"We are unable to provide services at the level you desire" MEANS "We will never be able to make you happy because you are never satisfied"

"We strongly urge you to find another accountant" MEANS "We want to fire you but do not quite have the balls yet so we are hoping you will fire us instead, the sooner the better"

"We will be happy to assign your account to another bookkeeper" MEANS "We have one person left in the office who has not yet worked with you and is willing to take on your account because she is a team player and prides herself on being able to work with anyone"

Do you realize you have been through four of our bookkeepers in the past three years? Did you know you regularly made one of them cry? (And she is not the crying type, either, you evil shit.) The one constant through all of this has been you. YOU. Has it not occurred to you that perhaps it is you, not us, that is the problem?

No, of course it hasn't.

And to think this whole brouhaha started because your name ended up on the "naughty" list for your whole Company to see. You know, consistently waiting until the end of the month to pay a bill that was due back on the first is not exactly fiscally responsible. But hey, we rolled with it. Until, that is, you shoved your envelope of cash through our mail slot after 5:00pm on the 31st after everyone had gone home and then were surprised your payment was not considered received by the end of the month. (P.S. Envelope of cash? Who does that? Are you a drug dealer?)

The most amusing part of your letter was how you clearly thought you were being professional - with your bullet points and your big adjectives - all the while sounding like a petulant child who did not get his way. Does that really work for you elsewhere in life? Maybe people just get sick of dealing with your unpleasantness and placate you so you will go away. I only tolerate that sort of behavior from old people and small children. The former because it sucks to get old and they have earned the right to behave any damn way they want to. The latter because I get to send them home with their parents to deal with and that amuses me.

So, thank you so much for firing us! I wish you well in your future endeavors. Okay, not really. Unlike you, I make no pretense this is a professional letter. I am just happy you will soon be gone and I will no longer have to hear about what new bitchy thing you did this week or find people crying in the bathroom as a result of another one of your schizo episodes.

I will not miss you at all, you sanctimonious ass.

Hugs and kisses,

Sheila

P.S. The part where you said you expect us to finish your December bookkeeping and facilitate the transition to a new accountant for no charge was a joke, right?

Tags: accounting, tax follies

I Love My Job...I Love My Job...I Love My Job

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD IS IT OVER YET? MAKE IT STOP PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE

Don't care that I am dying a slow death over here? Fine. Something to distract you...

Look! Bunnies! Don't miss the keyboard cleaner.

If that does not do it for you, let me know and I will post a picture of myself topless.

 

Tags: tax season follies

tHE eND?

Hey, what's that? At the end of the tunnel...it's a light!

Oh god, it's a train, isn't it? ISN'T IT?

Tags: tax season follies