GetSheila

Boyfriend?

I just noticed the most popular search on the Lijit search widget on my blog is “boyfriend.”

What the hell? Are you people desperately hoping I will get a boyfriend and start having sex, thereby easing my tension and making me less anal and bitchy?

Dream on.

I just did a search for “sex” on my blog and came up with a mere one blog post where Oprah wants people to talk about why they aren’t having sex. The other three hits are from – surprise! – JCW’s comments. Okay, maybe not so surprising from Mr. Tell It Like It Is.

Ooh, maybe the searcher is an old boyfriend who stumbled on my blog and is now wondering if I wrote about him. Which one could it be? There are not that many to choose from, truth be told.

GRADE SCHOOL

Bobby: who thought I was a floozy for wanting to hold hands.

Brent: who slapped me across the face after I accidentally tweaked his nose when playfully flipping his ball cap off his head.

Ricky: but you already know about Ricky.

JUNIOR HIGH

Eric: who had a bitchy, controlling sister and confessed he only asked me to go with him to make Mary Jo jealous. Our relationship lasted one whole afternoon.

I had many infatuations but no other official boyfriends in Jr. High, though I was deeply in love with a dangerous Hispanic boy named Danny. After slow dancing all night at a school dance, I said no when he asked me to go with him. When he asked me why, I couldn’t tell him. But it was because he previously dated Eric’s sister.

HIGH SCHOOL

Rob: My first real boyfriend, though not of the sexual relations variety. I adored him. He was a swimmer and water polo player. Can you say “great body?” Yes, I think you can. Then he broke my heart. The bastard.

Mike: Never a boyfriend, but not for my lack of trying. I would throw myself at his feet to this day, though I expect his wife, dog, and two point five children would get in the way. In fact, he may have grandchildren by now. What a depressing thought.

Alex: Never a boyfriend, either, but he was a good kisser on the one and only date we ever had. He was better than a boyfriend, actually. We are still friends to this day.

ADULT

Behold the barren landscape of my adult dating life:

Steve: I married him. Seven years later I divorced him, four years later than I should have.

Sparky: my Sex and the City boyfriend, whose best friend told my girlfriend he “just wasn’t that into me.”

Dave: who came back from a week at the beach to tell me he didn’t miss anybody but his dog while he was gone, not even me. He was a charmer, that one.

Joel: who was a good cook but the kind of person who would cut someone off in traffic then honk and flip them off out the window as he sped away. He was also the kind of person to be dating two women at once. Golly, I can pick ‘em, can’t I?

Geez, no wonder I don’t date. Y’all can stop searching for “boyfriend” now. Ain’t. Gonna. Happen.

 

Technorati Tags: boyfriend,dating

What's With All The Hearts?

Oh yeah, the dreaded - and sometimes feared - Valentine's Day is approaching.

Not exactly a big holiday for me. Never has been. In fact, I cannot remember a single one, which is a bit weird. I am sure the ex-hub and I must have done something romantic the nine years we were together. Well sure, there was that time we...uh...yeah...um...hm... See what I mean? Weird.

The whole idea that you have to behave romantic one specific day out of the year is weird, when you think about it. And the pressure to get it right is awful. Or at least I imagine it must be awful for people who actually participate in this Hallmark holiday.

What is the correct romantic gift these days, anyway? It used to be red roses. Then chocolate. Or maybe it was red roses AND chocolate. But what kind of chocolate? Does it have to come in a heart-shaped box? What about underwear? Victoria's Secret has a $10,000 diamond encrusted bra. Is that sort of thing a requirement now? (It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable.)

I cannot imagine anything more unromantic than being forced to be romantic on a specific day because society says so. Throw caution to the wind and be romantic any damn day you feel like it! And if you are unattached on society's forced Day of Romance, do not barricade yourself in your home, afraid to venture forth into a world filled with couples who will look upon you with pity for your singleness. No! Show your single face proudly!

Or, if you are not quite ready for that and do not have a friend of the opposite sex to wear as a beard, take a same sex friend out to dinner. People will assume you are just another gay couple out on the town. It will not occur to anyone you are not a couple. Not on Valentine's Day. Everybody wins. (Unless you are homophobic, in which case you should probably just kill yourself now before you have a chance to procreate.)

So tell me, how do you feel about Valentine's Day?

Happy Love Thursday, everyone.

_______________________

Though I do not think this post is quite what the Love Thursday people are all about, and I have therefore not included a link to this post in the Love Thursday comments, this is what my Love Thursday looks like. Love yourself and to hell with the rest of the world if they do not love you back. (Unless you are homophobic, in which case please see above.)

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Technorati Tags: love thursday, hallmark holiday, valentine's day

Cutest TV Proposal Evar

"Will you marry me? ... I'm sorry we're in the Dump."

(They really were at the Dump.)

What? You say you do not watch Men in Trees?

Well why don't you? Think: Northern Exposure meets Sex and the City. What's not to love?

Fun With Dating - 2

I have a thing for guys in uniform. Any uniform. It can be as simple as the car mechanic's standard of navy pants paired with a short-sleeved button-up shirt. And of course the name patch that says Bob or Fred or Manny.

Back when I still bought American, the service guy at the dealership caught my eye. We'll call him Manny, mainly because, for the life of me, I can't remember his real name. He didn't work on cars anymore. He had been promoted to the level where he checked customers in and out and gave orders to the guys who did the real work. His hands were always clean. Not a speck of grease tarnished his uniform.

Fun With Dating - 1

If you ever have a friend say to you "I know this guy who would be perfect for you," run away. If you're on the phone, hang up. If it's in an email, report this so-called friend to the Spam authorities and block her email address forever.

A girl I'd known since the third grade set me up on a blind date with her boyfriend's cousin. Actually, I think he was her boyfriend's uncle, who was our age because the grandparents continued having children way past normal child-bearing years. That should have been my first clue.

My girlfriend decided it would be great fun to double date, so we met for drinks to be followed by dinner and a movie. Nice normal date scenario, I thought. But as I sipped my cocktail, my date began telling a story designed to show what a fun and crazy guy he is. The details escape me but the ending remains with me to this day. It's not that it was exceptionally riveting. He simply described walking outside and throwing up in the bushes.

He described it vividly.

I wasn't quite sure what to say. Congratulations? Well done? Was I supposed to somehow be drawn to him now that I knew he was such a valiant regurgitator? I excused myself and went to the ladies room, resisting the urge to make a break for the front door. When I returned to the table, I received another surprise. The boys had decided we would not go to a movie after all. We would stay at the bar and drink. I looked at my long-time girlfriend and she seemed completely okay with this plan. Just alcohol and a couple of rednecks who think vomiting is an acceptable topic of conversation. I stayed for thirty more minutes and then bailed.

Thank god I came in my own escape vehicle.