I’m not sure how to approach this subject. I’m not even sure what the subject is, exactly. It’s just that I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon during the past several years and I’m not sure what to make of it. I call it Married Man Magnet Syndrome.
It manifests in the form of only married men showing an interest in dating me. And by “dating” I mean “wanting to sleep with me,” which may or may not include 1) informing me they are, in fact, married, or 2) having an actual emotional relationship.
(No, I did not sleep with any of them, thanks for asking.)
As you may know, I don’t date much. Actually, I don’t date at all, mainly because no one asks me out but this has been normal for me since the dawn of my dating life so is not at all unusual. That’s why the married man thing is so noticeable. When the only men showing an interest in you turn out to be married, “separated” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge,) or rebounding like a basketball on steroids but the divorce isn’t final yet, well, you begin to notice a trend.
In all fairness to the men in question, each was in a delicate emotional state. I understand the need to feel attractive to the opposite sex, to be wanted again. I know what it’s like to be at the end of a long-term relationship and wonder where the hell the last decade went and what you’re supposed to do now. I get all that. What I don’t get is this:
Dude, you’re married.
Step 1: Get a divorce.
Step 2: Spend some alone time getting to know yourself as a solitary human being.
Step 3: THEN think about searching for a new companion.
People get all up in arms about the whole “sanctity of marriage” thing and how it’s wrong in the eyes of the Lord to commit adultery. I don’t give a crap about that. My issue is it is morally* wrong to promise to love and cherish your spouse, then turn around and break that promise in such an unscrupulous way. Liar liar pants on fire.
- If you don’t want to be with her anymore, get a divorce.
- If you are separated but haven’t filed or you’ve filed but it’s not final, it’s too soon to jump into a new relationship.
- If you think you can’t get a divorce due to financial issues or because of the kids, you’re deluding yourself. We’ve already established you’re a liar but did you realize you were lying to yourself, too?
A related phenomenon is Drop Off the Face of the Earth-itis. Once the man discovers I am interested solely in being a friend, not a girlfriend or mistress, he disappears completely. The phone calls, emails, and visits stop – boom – just like that, thereby confirming my suspicion he wasn’t really interested in me, but rather the idea of me and whatever that meant to him.
A few of the men in question I knew back in high school or junior high, others when I was just starting my career. In other words, they remember me as young and hot. It’s a bit weird to see the comparison in their eyes, especially now that I am 45 and, though still a hot babe on the inside, merely average on the outside.
And by “average”, I mean a big fat cow by Hollywood standards. We all know those standards are ridiculously unattainable yet they persist.
I’ve always thought you should be friends first because you can’t really love someone unless you truly like them, yet I’ve never really experienced that. Yes, I was married for seven years. No, we were never really friends.
LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, PEOPLE.
*Moral: relating to issues of right and wrong and how individual people should behave, which has nothing to do with religion.