GetSheila

Weather is a serious thing

I did not make fun of East Coasters for overreacting to their little earthquake.

I do not mock other states who complain about a few weeks of swelter we deal with ALL SUMMER LONG.

No, because, one day, it’s going to snow in Central California and we’ll be all:

• OMG! How are we supposed to drive in this slippery stuff?
• Breaking news: “Tragic deaths in Central California: people too stupid to get inside where it’s warm.”
• Eek! All this moisture makes my hair frizz!

When that happens and someone who lives with snow all the time makes fun of us, I will have the moral high ground and no compunction about punching them in the face.

 

Technorati Tags: east coast earthquake,weather woes

When your underwear doesn’t fit – a metaphor for Life

I went underwear shopping the other day. Very exciting, I know, but here’s the thing: how often do you have to buy a different size of underwear?

The Bra

Bras, yes, the slightest change in weight can result in the need for a larger or smaller cup size. Lucky for me, J.C. Penney was having a Bra Fit Event.

Because bras are serious business. Didn’t you know? Oh yes, saleswomen walk around with tape measures draped around their necks like scarves in winter. Every fifteen minutes, the loudspeaker announces the Big Event and urges you to rush to the lingerie area to have someone feel you up.

Actually, they urge you to request a “complimentary personal fitting” with one of their “certified bra fit specialists” but it amounts to the same thing.

I measured myself at home and was pretty sure I knew what I was doing but lo, I was mistaken. I knew the old way of measuring was wrong, where you add four inches to get your band size (devised before the invention of elastic, apparently) but there is some dissent as to whether you measure just under your breasts for your band size or just over the top of your breasts. The latter turned out to be more accurate for me. Go figure. The cup size measurement technique remains the same: measure over the fullest part of your breasts, subtract your band size, and each inch represents a cup size.

Once you have your correct bra size, don’t get cocky. You are so not done yet. Just like a size 10 dress is a size 12 somewhere else and a size 8 or 6 in the really expensive stores (where you literally pay for your delusion,) all bras are not created equal. And once you find a brand and style you like but decide you want it in multiple colors, you must try each color on to be sure it fits the same. Ditto for a different style in the same brand. I know it sounds insane. Trust me on this.

Twenty three bras later, I finally found one that fit perfectly. ONE. And it isn’t even all that pretty. But at least my boobs will look like boobs now and not squished, bulging aliens from the planet HereComeMyBoobs.

The Panty

So I am exhausted from the Bra Fit Event marathon, ready to just grab some panties and go home, but no. As I mentioned previously (see #4), my butt is not the same size as it used to be. Contrary to logic, measuring my butt did not help determine the correct panty size.

And so began the trying on of the panties. Which you must do over the top of your existing panties, due to hygiene concerns as well as the “euw” factor. It is like trying on a cocktail dress over jeans: it can be done but you cannot tell if it really fits so what is the point?

I opted for a few that boasted “no panty lines” that seemed to fit relatively well in the store, only to discover they achieve the “no panty line” effect by traveling up and disappearing into your butt crack when you take your first step. Not exactly what I had in mind.

I also tried on some standard briefs, as opposed to the high-cut ones I usually wear, thinking this might take care of the panty line issue. Alas, I now know the meaning of the term “granny panties.” The waistband sat just below my lovely new bra band. How very Ed Grimley.

I was too depressed to try on the boy shorts. I’ll just order them by mail and be humiliated in the privacy of my own home, thank you. Meanwhile, I will dig panties out of my butt crack.

I’ll try to do it when no one is looking.

_______________________________

Life doesn’t fit.

Life is change.

Life just is.

Technorati Tags: underwear shopping,how to determine bra size,life is

7 Weird Things About Me

I’ve been tagged! Astrogirl has called up me to post 7 weird things about me. You may recall I did this meme about 2 years ago, though it only called for 6 weird things. Inflation?

I shall endeavor to come up with 7 NEW weird things this time. How hard can it be? We are all closet weirdos.

My previous weirdness, for those of you too lazy to click over to my old post:

1. I count things
2. I blow on things
3. I have ear weirdness
4. Applying mascara makes me sneeze
5. I enjoy organizing
6. I am a total homebody

Seven new weird things about me:

1. Locking doors. When I lived with my sister, I was constantly aware that she kept the sliding door open a cat-length. It freaked me out knowing a bad guy could walk in at any time. I was so obsessive, she asked me if something “happened” to me to make me so paranoid. (No it did not, thanks for asking.) Now in my own house, I often leave the slider open a cat-length when I am home and do not feel the slightest concern. Someone please explain this to me.
   
2. My red face does not mean I need a medic. Like Jenn at aka Je Sais, I turn bright red in the face with the slightest amount of exertion. I am fine. Please stop freaking out.
   
3. Pajamas are my friend. So are sweat pants.When I get home from work, I must immediately change into PJ’s or sweats and a comfy shirt, sans bra. IMMEDIATELY, as in 5:05pm. Other people can stay in their outside clothes all evening and be perfectly comfortable while still looking put together. Why not me?
   
4. Counting steps. I mentioned this in “I count things” of my prior meme post but I noticed a variation the other day. I sometimes feel the need to have the same number of steps between sidewalk cracks regardless of whether this number is odd or even. So not only must my overall number of steps be an even number, they must also be symmetrically placed. And if I step on a crack, I have to step on the next crack with my other foot.
   
   Okay, not ALWAYS. Just on the sidewalk leading to the back door at work on days when the workload is such that I am particularly stressed out. Perhaps my mind reverts to childhood OCD behavior when it needs a break from reality.
   
5. No mascara, please. In regards to prior meme #4, I finally stopped wearing mascara altogether. I wear eye shadow and eye liner but no mascara. It is just too annoying to apply and, worse, to take off at the end of the day. Besides, my eyelashes are so stubby mascara makes no real difference. Torturing myself with an eyelash curling before applying the mascara helps in no way whatsoever. I have enough trouble doing something with my hair each morning. Who has time for mascara?
   
6. I sleep in a pillow fortress. Perhaps not a fortress. More like a moat. I must have three pillows, preferably one of which is a body pillow. I fall asleep on my stomach, flanked by pillows so whichever side I turn to, I always have a pillow available for hiking an arm and leg over.
   
   If I ever do get a bed mate, this could be a problem. I am accustomed to my personal bed space. Contrary to popular opinion, people are not squishy. They are bony and unyielding. Do you think a new bed mate would be offended if, following any extra-curricular activities, I put a body pillow between us and tell him it is 1945, he is Germany, I am the Allies, and the pillow is the Rhine at Arnhem? At least until morning?
   
7. I do not answer the door or the telephone. I may have mentioned this before. Though perhaps a bit reclusive, this behavior worked great when I did not know any of my neighbors. The only people stopping by were salesmen and pollsters. Now that I know a couple of my neighbors, I can no longer ignore the doorbell in good conscience. I do still check the peephole and generally ignore anyone I do not recognize. As for the phone, I do love that Caller ID.

The way memes work, I am supposed to tag 7 people to carry on this meme. In my experience, most people hate to be tagged and, frankly, I don’t know that many people who blog. So if you blog, please Trackback to this post or leave a comment telling us about your post so we can click over and check it out.

If you do not blog, tell us all about your weirdness in the comments. You know deep down you are weird. Fess up and entertain us at the same time.

Confession is good for the soul.

 

 

Technorati Tags: meme,weird things about getsheila,astrogirl

Sheep Sheila

I spotted this meme at Writtenwyrdd and felt compelled to jump on the bandwagon. Did she tag me? Er, no. I am just a sheep. A sheep with no other blogging ideas and a narcissistic bent.

1.  What do you do before bedtime?
I fold my comforter down to the foot of the bed, in accordion fashion for easy middle-of-the-night grabbing and distributing. Then I put my body pillow under the covers and fold down the other side of the bed so it is all ready for me after I wash my face, brush my teeth, and put on my PJ’s.

I love bed.

2.  What is  your favorite sound?
Big Band music. I know not why. There is just something about that jazzy stuff that makes me want to get up and dance. Dang, I need to find a Swing class around here. I have the shoes! Now all I need is a partner.

3.  What were your childhood fears?
Vampires. The only monsters that scared me were those fanged guys and gals. I used to pull the covers up to just under my chin and tuck them down behind my ears to keep the fangs away from my neck…because cloth will totally stop fangs from penetrating. Duh.

4.  What place have you visited that you can't forget and want to go back?
My youth.

5.  What has made you unhappy these days?
Where do I start?

• Gas. No, not gas prices. GAS.
• Getting older and fatter and wrinklier and realizing how hard it is to get back in shape now that I have actually started. Sucks, though I do feel better. Gotta love those endorphins.
• Knowing I make a lot of money in comparison to the average Joe yet still seem to live from paycheck to paycheck, even though I have no credit card debt to speak of. I have a house. I have a fuel-efficient new car. I am trying not to think about all the fixes I want to do to my house but cannot afford. Grouse grouse grouse.

6.  What websites do you visit daily?
I do not visit websites much anymore. I read feeds. These are the regulars:

• Woulda Coulda Shoulda
• Suburban Bliss
• CuteOverload
• Notes from the Bunker
• WWdN in Exile
• Totally Unauthorized
• Scobelizer
• I’d Like to Buy a Bowel
• State of Grace
• Writtenwyrdd

Two of these, the first two listed, only provide a snippet in their feed so I have to click over to their blog to read the entire thing. I find this rude and annoying because I know the sole purpose is to generate money for the blogger from page views on their website. My policy is to unsubscribe to these truncated feeds immediately because I don’t need that kind of aggravation. But these two ladies entertain me. And I may one day start to advertise on my blog so who am I to call foul?

I also read a lot of tax blogs for work. Boring yet necessary.

7.  What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No one. I am a total sheep. I did find it at Writtenwyrdd, though. She seems to enjoy helping her fellow writers by sharing her experiences. As a closeted writer, I appreciate that in a person.

8.  What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Goodnight Sweetheart, because of this guy and the singing of the puppies to sleep. I will be walking down the hall and suddenly “Doh-doh-dee-oh-DOH” jumps out of my mouth for no apparent reason. Very embarrassing.

9.   What is your favorite item of clothing? 
My blue plaid flannel pajama pants and accompanying stretchy white top, with long sleeves but thin fabric so I don’t get too hot. Who doesn’t love pajamas?

10. What is your dream for the future?
To stay alive and in relatively good health until I am very old, surrounded by friends and family.

 

How about you? Pick a question (or two or three or ten) and answer it in the comments.

Technorati Tags: meme,about getsheila

What is your soap opera name, and does it change your personality?

JCW sent me a link to a Soap Opera Name Generator, which dubbed him Sebastian Astor and me Viv Howard. The following is what ensued.

Dear Sebastian, I simply must know who does your dog. My little Beauregard is much too fluffy. Do tell. Love, Viv Howard P.S. Do you have a grey poupon? I seem to be out.

Darling Vivvy, Although retired, dearest Vidal comes over twice weekly to groom Muffy - when she's freshly done she looks just like a little Julie Christie. I tip Vidal $.50 and send him back to the retirement home. It's too sweet, really... Indeed, I just had a grey poupon this morning as I've been eating a great deal of fibre of late. Sadly, I flushed it. Do let me know in advance next time and I'll have Consuela fish it out for you. Kisses, Sebastian

Sebastian my sweet, So that is where Consuela ran off to, you naughty boy. I thought she left me for one of those young starlets who is always in the news. They do seem to go through staff like laxative through a supermodel. As for Vidal, goodness, I thought he died years ago! I just contacted the Fifteen More Minutes Retirement Home and Vidal says he can squeeze dear Beauregard in on Tuesdays. He piddled on the floor in his excitement! Beauregard is looking forward to it, too. Kiss kiss, Viv

Lovely Viv, Ran off to? My dear... insisting the poor woman don a Captain Kirk uniform and call you "Madame Star Bitch" whilst trying to scrub marble floors to a pristine shine would drive anybody away. Honestly, you left Consuela with little in the way of options. Speaking of supermodel diets, how is that new Stoli and smoked almond one going for you? Rumour has it that it causes gas... Sweet, senile Vidal. You must promise not to press him too hard. Although it is indeed true that if Beauregard doesn't look good, he doesn't look good, I'm afraid that Beau taking after his dear Mummy and all, there's only so much a ninety-five year man old can do. All love and affection, Sebastian

Dearest Sebastian, Consuela has not been completely truthful with you, my pet. It was a Captain Picard uniform and I required her to address me as “Sir.” Though when I first began the Stoli diet, it is possible I may have misjudged my meal portions and said or done things I do not recall. I did find an Orion slave girl costume in my closet around that time with no memory of how it got there. The marble floors information is accurate, I must admit. I do so like shiny things. Speaking of which, do keep an eye on that body glitter I know you like so much. Consuela is virtually an addict, dear. I promise to be quite gentle with dear, sweet Vidal. If he can resurrect your anorexic Muffy, he can do anything. I am so sorry to hear the studio passed you over yet again for that younger, hunkier actor of questionable sexual orientation. Someone so beautiful preferring women these days is quite a shock. Do keep your chin up, darling. I am sure there is a nice juicy role out there for you. Perhaps a misunderstood chauffeur or a tempestuous chef. Kiss kiss, Viv

Do continue the dialogue in the comments with your own soap opera name, darlings.

Technorati Tags: your soap opera name,JCW

Things I Did Not Know Existed One Short Week Ago

Michael Phelps. Last week: “Who is this Phelps guy in the AT&T TV ad?” Yesterday: “GO GO GO! OMG! YES! YES! YES!” as I jumped up and down on my couch and shared his reaction when Jason Lezak won the U.S. team the Gold in the 4x100 relay.

 

Synchronized Diving. How long has this been going on? I am mesmerized.

 

Chongqing’s 1000-stall outdoor public restroom. I have no words. Just follow the link and see for yourself. The second to last photo makes me feel naughty just for looking.

 

Technorati Tags: 2008 summer olympics,phelps,chongqing,1000 stall public restroom

My Doppelganger

I have my RSS feeds set to search for any mention of me on the Internet. It did not start out as a narcissistic venture. When I wrote for Medium Dreams, a blog about the TV show Medium, I searched for the actors so I would not miss any articles, pictures, or e-conversations about them. I added my name and my blog’s name just for fun (and perhaps a tiny bit of narcissistic pleasure.) When I stopped writing for Medium Dreams, I canceled the actor searches but kept mine.

Lately it keeps finding me. Meet Sheila Livingston:

Photo Copyright 2008 Mark Vancleave

If this chick does not stop using my name, I will have to report her to the Name Police. But wait, she is older than me so technically I and using her name. Crap. If we both go around using the same name, how will people tell us apart?!

Oh, that’s easy. I do not wear jewelry.

Technorati Tags: sheila livingston,what's in a name?

Are brain-eating zombies just outside the door? They do not say.

Created by OnePlusYou

I know. I have not posted in forever and now I am posting this lame thing. But it freaked me out!

One of the questions it asks to determine how long you could survive trapped in your home is if you have any pets. Why? Not because the love they share with you will keep your spirit healthy. No. Because they are a potential FOOD SOURCE.

Gah!

I beat Hsien, who can only last a mere 56 days. Peanuts! Then again, she does have three people to feed compared to my mere one.

Hm, they did not ask how many CHILDREN you have to use a potential food source. I wonder why...

Tags: memes

Applying Makeup is like Life

As I put on my eye shadow the other day, I had a brainstorm about how applying makeup is like life - specifically The Eyeshadow Phase - so that is what I wrote down to jog my memory.

Of course, now I have no idea what The Eyeshadow Phase represents or how putting on makeup can possible be like life. Any thoughts?

Here are the stages I use to apply my makeup in the morning. I bet you can come up with something profound - or funny - or somewhere in between for some of them. Earnestness is optional.

1. Moisturizer
2. Concealer
3. Foundation
4. Powder
5. Eyeshadow
6. Eyeliner
7. Mascara
8. Brow filler
9. Blush
10. Final dusting of powder to set everything
11. Clear mascara to control the eyebrows
12. Lip liner
13. Lipstick

To be honest, I no longer perform steps 2 and 3 but go straight to 4 unless I am headed to a special event. Even then, I have a hard time with concealer. I never mastered the under-eye thing. I used to be in the "I am making an attempt to conceal the dark circles under my eyes" phase, whereby I walked around looking like a poor, sad mental patient who could only apply concealer in a cakey "let us call even more attention to the under-eye area" fashion. I am currently in the "Oh who cares! This is my face," phase.

I also skip 8 because, though I try to be subtle, I feel all Joan Crawford-y and "made up." Makeup should be subtle, y'know.

As for 11, it is very wasteful. You cannot simply pull the wand full of clear mascara from the tube and swipe it across your brow. No. To do so would be to deposit much too much clear goop upon the brow. First you must wipe practically all of it off on a tissue, then swipe the brows to apply the merest hint of control in the desired direction. I used to do this by spritzing my brow brush with hairspray but 1) my brow brush was swallowed by the earth at some point in the distant past, and 2) I cannot remember the last time I owned hair spray. Perhaps it is time to begin depleting the ozone layer again.

As for 12 and 13, I know these are important - I know I look much better and "finished" when I apply them - yet I constantly forget them. Perhaps it is because I take my tea along with me in the car and feel I waste my precious and expensive lipstick on the side of my travel mug. Or maybe I am just lazy. It's a toss up.

So how do you think applying makeup is like life? Or do you?

Tags: makeup

Weekly Peeves

No, this is not a new recurring weekly post all about my pet peeves. That would be boring. These are just a few of my peeves in no particular order, cuz I'm feeling peevy.

Are You Smarter Than a Sixth Grader?

The original name of this show was "Proof nothing you learned in sixth grade really matters later in life" but the network didn't think that was catchy enough. I suppose people go on this show thinking it will be easy money, then end up looking like morons. Or so I assume. I have not actually watched it. (Yes, I am peeved about a show I do not actually watch.)

TV shows that disappear as soon as I discover them.

Or sooner, and I stumble upon them in reruns only to discover I just watched the last episode ever made: Coupling, Red Cap, McCallum, Rebus, DaVinci's Inquest, Firefly.

Software that does not load properly so I have to uninstall and reinstall and tweak and finally just uninstall and give up forever.

Limp and not quite fully cooked french fries, the disappointment of which I do not discover until I am already back on the freeway and, are you kidding?, I am not going to turn around and go back!

Those commercials featuring "Bob." I do not need to know "Bob" needs medication to get his pecker up. I do not need to see his pride in his erection on national TV. It serves only to remind me that little blue pill is covered by insurance while birth control pills often are not.

So what is peeving you this week?

Tags: pet peeves, viagra