10 quotes from this vacation

1. “Come on in and take your boobs off,” I said to mom as we entered our first hotel room. She had a double mastectomy and now wears “Barbie Boobs,” which come conveniently pre-loaded in a special bra;
2. “I think I have Tia Carrera confused with Angelina Jolie,” said Mom, who has clearly not seen many Angelina Jolie movies.
3. “No thank you, ma’am, the gratuity is included in the valet fee,” the $25 valet fee (!!) at Banff Springs Hotel;
4. “No, our money does not come from the game Monopoly,” as printed on an “I am Canadian” T-shirt. For those who have not seen Canadian paper money, it is brightly colored and looks totally bogus, no matter what that T-shirt says;
5. “Please do not put the wildlife in your pocket,” said the Jasper Tramway tour guide. 
6. “Mind the chipmunk,” which came up to our feet at the Banff Gondola summit;
7. “Is that woman hitchhiking with a cell phone? She IS. She is hitchhiking while talking on a cell phone!” I said as we drove along a Canada highway. No, we did not stop to pick her up. Though I have never heard of a Canadian serial killer, much less a female one, I thought it best not to chance it.
8. “Dad was a house Jonah.” Each of our former family residences – one in Edmonton and one in Seattle – is the most run-down house on the block now with a sense of mystery surrounding it, as in “do drug dealers live there?” I am certain dad is somehow to blame.
9. “Those Dutch! They drink their tea naked!” as recounted by my mom’s friend Bitsy Klee when reminiscing about being stuck in Amsterdam for twelve hours in the early 60’s due to airplane trouble. The Brits at the next table asked for tea and were horrified to receive it with no milk or sugar.
10. “It’s my vacation and I can sleep in until 6:30 if I want to!” my sister Karen said, the sister from another planet, who gets more done before I get up in the morning than I get done all day.

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