GetSheila

Christmas at my house

Whew! That long weekend went fast. Oh wait, I didn’t have a long weekend. I had to work on Friday. Dammit.

I suppose I should he thankful I don’t work in retail or I would have had to work Saturday and Sunday, too. Poor slobs.

Mom and sister Kate came over Christmas day and we had prime rib with Yorkshire popovers, roasted potatoes, and honey-glazed carrots, among other yummies. We also opened presents. You know, those things we were not going to do this year at the request of sister Kate.

Technically, we just did stockings stuffers, which amounted to mostly things made of chocolate. I may have purchased a few small items not made of chocolate that ended up being too big to fit in mom and Kate’s stockings so I had to wrap them, but so what? It’s Christmas.

Besides, sister Karen bought us all presents anyway. Which she left to me to label. Which I labeled backwards so there was much confusion and awkwardness when they were opened and one of us realized something she truly adored was meant for the other person:

It’s a wine stopper. It was meant for me but I gave it to sister Kate because, seriously, it is the perfect gift for her. She LOVES that sort of thing, even if she doesn’t really drink wine.

Karen, you did good, however inadvertently. :)

 

Technorati Tags: christmas

The Knee-High Stocking Manifestation

Did you know when you leave your knee-high stockings alone in a drawer for months at a time because you usually wear boots with socks so have no need for stockings that a mysterious vortex forms in the closed drawer and sucks all the elasticity out of the cuffs?

How else do you explain this?

The vortex leaves just enough elastic in the cuffs so the stockings seem normal when you put them on in the morning, then start to fall down around 10:00 am. Nicely played, Vortex.

BTW, I purposely stood on a white rug to take this picture so as to make the blinding whiteness of my legs less noticeable. Now they just look pink and motley. Mission accomplished, in a somewhat embarrassing and humiliating way. The granny accountant shoes don’t help.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May your stockings always have elastic.

 

Technorati Tags: christmas,knee high stockings

The White Elephant Loot

When I moved into this house a little over a year ago, this was attached to the wall cabinet next to the kitchen sink:

It frightened me so I took it down but I could not quite bring myself to get rid of it. How fortuitous! I took it as my white elephant gift for the office party gift exchange this year. It cleaned up rather nicely, I think.

This is what I ended up after the Big Kahuna stole first my Saturday Night Live: The Complete Second Season (1976-1977) DVD set (Wanted that! It had the Coneheads!) then, after someone stole that from him, my nice bottle of Chardonnay with accompanying Toucan can opener. That man has it is for me.

I don’t know what those last two things have in common, by the way – a bottle of wine and a brightly colored can opener that looks like a Toucan - but they did color coordinate. Anyway, this is what I came home with (click to embiggen over on Flickr):

Clockwise from the top left:

1. Mighty Hooks with “free laser level,” for the hanging of pictures and such,
2. Digital tape measure, for the measuring of things and stuff,
3. Emergency hammer, for the cutting of seatbelts and breaking of driver side windows should you be trapped in your car under water, and
4. Personal alarm, because “any moment you may suddenly be in need of help”  and one pull on the cord results in a loud, ear-piercing noise.

Yeah, not too sure about item 4 but I am quite happy the rest of my loot. In fact, everyone got a kick out of what they ended up with.

Everyone except Buff Kahuna, that is. He got half a dozen really old LP’s. The only artist anyone recognized was Harry Belafonte. We got a little excited when we saw “Deep Purple” but then we realized it was the song title, not the band. Bummer.

The loot:

1. Duck towel holder;
2. Bed tray table, very nicely made of walnut with magazine holder sides and a tray that angles for reading or writing;
3. SNL DVDs;
4. Box full of VHS videos, mostly for kids (someone did some pre-Spring cleaning, methinks);
5. Massage pillow;
6. Old albums, as in vinyl records;
7. Raiders cap;
8. Assorted games for kids: Jacks, Pickup Sticks, and a few others;
9. 2 racquetball rackets;
10. Bottle of Chardonnay with Toucan can opener;
11. And I cannot remember the last item. Perhaps it will come to me just as I drop off to sleep tonight.

There was a little confusion when someone opened the bed tray table. Mrs. Big Kahuna had wondered where it had disappeared to. In retaliation, she chose the duck towel holder to end the game and vowed to install it in Big Kahuna’s bathroom.

Turns out they have a matching cookie jar.

 

Technorati Tags: christmas,white elephant gift exchange,office party

White Elephant Party Gift

Remember how I was stressed about not yet having purchased a gift for the office party?

Well it’s a good thing I didn’t because that very day (Tuesday) they announced we were doing a White Elephant gift exchange this year.

Why? Because Big Kahuna had not yet shopped for his gift and the party is right after work on Friday and who has time to shop for people you merely work with, as opposed to people you actually care about?

I may be reading more into that last part.

A White Elephant Gift Exchange works just like the party game we play every year where you draw numbers and either open a new gift when it is your turn or steal an opened gift from someone who used to like you but is now plotting your demise for taking his or her coveted prize. (I stole a groovy Christmas platter from the office manager last year. She has yet to forgive me.)

The “white elephant” part is the difference this year. A white elephant is something whose maintenance cost exceeds its usefulness. You are supposed to rummage around your house and come up with a gift that is inexpensive, unusual, somewhat useless, tacky, and/or inconvenient. You clean it up and wrap it just like you would a shiny new gift.

Some examples of white elephant gifts:

1. Trinkets (pens, keychains, notepads, and other marketing swag);
2. Knick knacks (want to get rid of that old Precious Moments statuette?);
3. Unidentifiable kitchen items;
4. Hideous jewelry;
5. Smelly (as in “not pleasant”) lotion or perfume;
6. Weird art;
7. An obnoxious T-shirt or tie;
8. A poorly made, straight to video/DVD movie, preferably with the star being at the center of public ridicule (e.g., Britney Spears or Spice Girls movie);
9. A CD of a really bad singer (like the Corey Feldman CD I won last year);
10. A book on a topic that is obscure and/or outdated;
11. A framed picture of your boss (for a work party, and only if he or she won’t fire you for it.)

Got any more ideas?

I will post photos of the gift I take and the gift I come home with so we can experience the horror together, just like family.

Technorati Tags: christmas,white elephant gift,white elephant party game,office party

10 Reasons to be stressed out this holiday season

1. Christmas cards. It is 8 days before Christmas and you haven’t even bought Christmas cards, much less signed, addressed, stamped and mailed them.
2. Office party. In past years the Christmas party has always been on a Saturday night. You wonder if you are supposed to wear your work clothes to the party since it is right after work on a Friday night this year. You remember Friday is Casual Day at work and everyone wears jeans. You decide to get poop-wrapped-in-straw for the gift exchange game. That’ll teach em.
3. Office party gift. Your office Christmas party is Friday night and you have yet to shop for an under-$30 gift for the steal-a-gift-from-your-coworker game you play every year. Cat poop, check. Now to shop for some straw.
4. Hosting Christmas. You are hosting Christmas at your house this year (maybe) yet you decided to rip apart your kitchen after Thanksgiving and it is not yet put back together.
5. The Dentist. You had some extra cash to spend on Christmas but then the dentist filled a cavity on one side of your mouth and installed a crown on the other. Your company has no dental insurance and you have already reached your paltry $250/year dental reimbursement limit. You decide to put an extra heap of poop in the straw at #2.
6. Family Gifts. No one wants to do Christmas this year. “Let’s spend the money we would use for family gifts on ourselves and call it a gift from each other.” You have tried this before and no one ever buys themselves something. Even when you do, it is just not Christmas when there are no presents to open. Then some asshole buys you a gift anyway but you didn’t buy them one because you were following the rules. So then you feel bad. Merry Christmas.

Okay, that is only 6 things to be stressed out this holiday season. I am sure you can add to the list. I will update the post with your ideas. Hit me, Santa baby.

 

Technorati Tags: christmas,holiday stress,10 things

My sister is from another planet, and it isn’t Venus

My family looks forward to my sister’ visit every year. She flies down from Idaho and stays for a week or two doing chores and projects for all of us.

It may seem mercenary to make her work so hard on her vacation but, if we don’t, I fear the rest of the world could be in danger. A snippet from a recent email:

I only worked 8 hours today, came home and split a bunch of wood, tarped the dog house, made sure everyone has lots of food and water, spread a bale of straw in the chicken hoop coops, spread bales of cedar shavings in the horse shelter, now I’m going to take a shower and relax.

I left out the part where she said they forecast a HIGH of 6 degrees for a while, hence all the preparations. But STILL, there are so many things wrong with her statement I am not sure where to begin.

First, she “only” worked 8 hours that day. The slacker.

Next, she split a bunch of wood, then continued to do more chores. Normal people would fall down immediately and ask the nearest person for a massage or some aspirin or perhaps a beer.

Finally, she lives on a farm. Clearly. That is a full time job in and of itself without the additional day job and wood chopping. But how does one know to spread straw and cedar shavings when it gets cold? Is there an adult education class for people who live in the boondocks? Do you get extra credit for making your own pie crust?

And yet we both love science fictions and fantasy so always have something to talk about.

In addition to scheming about how we can organize mom’s house while she is sleeping so she doesn’t see us throw away the bottle of whiskey that is so old it only cost $4.79 and replace it with a new one.

We will always have those kinds of bonding moments.

Technorati Tags: sisters,karen,projects at moms

Only two weeks?

Has it really been only two weeks since I began my kitchen cabinet painting project? It seems like FOREVER.

In the olden days, I would have worked into the night until 9:00 or 10:00 on the weekends and been done with this project by now. These days, I take what I intend to be a short dinner break and never go back to the working part.

I would also, in the olden days, work on the cabinets in the evenings after my day job. You would think a little manual labor after sitting on my butt at a computer all day would be a good thing. The little red guy sitting on my shoulder says otherwise.

I have a slideshow of my progress so far on Flickr. Click on “Options” in the upper right hand corner to play the show backward so you see the before pictures first. Also click on “Show Info” in the upper right hand corner if you want to see my titles and descriptions as the pictures play.

Prepare to be grossed out by the bottom of my lower cabinet doors before I scrubbed them clean.

 

Technorati Tags: home improvement,kitchen cabinets,painting cabinets

Boyfriend?

I just noticed the most popular search on the Lijit search widget on my blog is “boyfriend.”

What the hell? Are you people desperately hoping I will get a boyfriend and start having sex, thereby easing my tension and making me less anal and bitchy?

Dream on.

I just did a search for “sex” on my blog and came up with a mere one blog post where Oprah wants people to talk about why they aren’t having sex. The other three hits are from – surprise! – JCW’s comments. Okay, maybe not so surprising from Mr. Tell It Like It Is.

Ooh, maybe the searcher is an old boyfriend who stumbled on my blog and is now wondering if I wrote about him. Which one could it be? There are not that many to choose from, truth be told.

GRADE SCHOOL

Bobby: who thought I was a floozy for wanting to hold hands.

Brent: who slapped me across the face after I accidentally tweaked his nose when playfully flipping his ball cap off his head.

Ricky: but you already know about Ricky.

JUNIOR HIGH

Eric: who had a bitchy, controlling sister and confessed he only asked me to go with him to make Mary Jo jealous. Our relationship lasted one whole afternoon.

I had many infatuations but no other official boyfriends in Jr. High, though I was deeply in love with a dangerous Hispanic boy named Danny. After slow dancing all night at a school dance, I said no when he asked me to go with him. When he asked me why, I couldn’t tell him. But it was because he previously dated Eric’s sister.

HIGH SCHOOL

Rob: My first real boyfriend, though not of the sexual relations variety. I adored him. He was a swimmer and water polo player. Can you say “great body?” Yes, I think you can. Then he broke my heart. The bastard.

Mike: Never a boyfriend, but not for my lack of trying. I would throw myself at his feet to this day, though I expect his wife, dog, and two point five children would get in the way. In fact, he may have grandchildren by now. What a depressing thought.

Alex: Never a boyfriend, either, but he was a good kisser on the one and only date we ever had. He was better than a boyfriend, actually. We are still friends to this day.

ADULT

Behold the barren landscape of my adult dating life:

Steve: I married him. Seven years later I divorced him, four years later than I should have.

Sparky: my Sex and the City boyfriend, whose best friend told my girlfriend he “just wasn’t that into me.”

Dave: who came back from a week at the beach to tell me he didn’t miss anybody but his dog while he was gone, not even me. He was a charmer, that one.

Joel: who was a good cook but the kind of person who would cut someone off in traffic then honk and flip them off out the window as he sped away. He was also the kind of person to be dating two women at once. Golly, I can pick ‘em, can’t I?

Geez, no wonder I don’t date. Y’all can stop searching for “boyfriend” now. Ain’t. Gonna. Happen.

 

Technorati Tags: boyfriend,dating

Winter Masthead / Banner

Hola. To get the Thanksgiving banner out of your face, I chose one of the Typepad themed banners called Winter. Kinda cute!

Any time you know something has changed on a web page but cannot see it, hold down the Ctrl key while you click on the Refresh button for your browser. That will cause the browser to go out and retrieve a new page, rather than the one it has cached in memory.

Speaking of winter, have you started your holiday shopping yet? Put up a tree? Emblazoned your house in a blatant attempt to shame your neighbors into doing the same?

I am exhausted just thinking about it. I will put up my fake tree after I get my kitchen cabinets back together. My sister and friend Micky have offered to help me this weekend. Actually, I asked Micky, who said yes, and my sister offered to shut me up after listening to me whine about how much work it was turning out to be and how much I still had left to do.

I was just venting. Really. It was not my intention to guilt her into offering to help me.

Well, maybe it was just a little bit. But it was purely subconscious and without guile! I swear.

 

Technorati Tags: home improvement,kitchen cabinets,it takes a village