Turducken Report: God Rest Its Schizophrenic Soul

I am fairly certain you don’t really give a crap what I am thankful for, so I will spare you my list of 10 Things I Am Thankful For this Thanksgiving.

Except to say, “You.” I am thankful for you. God how you people crack me up. If I did not have you to vent my frustrations all over, I would probably buy a gun.

(Though I have been thinking of taking shooting lessons for some time now. One stagnates unless one keeps learning new skills, dontchaknow.)

But about the Thanksgiving Turducken:

• We ate it;
• We liked it;
• We unanimously concur we never have to do it again.

The turkey was the best damn turkey I have ever eaten: very moist and tasty. The duck was, er, very ducky, and I don’t mean in an endearing British sort of way. We didn’t find the chicken until we were parceling out the leftovers after the meal.

Rather than layering each bird – first turkey, then duck, then chicken - this one had turkey on the bottom with duck on one side of the second layer and chicken on the other. Stuffing was in all the open spaces, which was problematic because it all fell out the bottom when I picked up the Frankenbird to move it to a platter.

Now I understand why you are supposed to let meat rest after cooking. I was totally planning to let it rest for fifteen minutes. I just planned to do it on a platter rather than in the pan. NO ONE TOLD ME “REST” MEANS “DO NOT MOVE.” Or at least no one told me ahead of time. They were all quite happy to tell me so once the soggy stuffing was laying all over the counter. Bitches.

I thought “rest” just meant “do not cut” until the juices have a chance to get absorbed back into the meat. I am pretty sure that is exactly what it means but, when faced with a meat product stuffed with something else with virtually nothing between said stuffing and a paper-thin layer of skin, I shall in future let the damn thing have a nap to firm up so it does not drop out the bottom in a sodden mess.

In the meantime, I will search my possessions for my “How to be a perfect cook” handbook with accompanying pearls, pumps, and apron so I can brush up on my Suzie Homemaker skills. I hope the cologne that smells like chocolate chip cookies baking is still in the apron pocket where I left it.

 

Technorati Tags: thanksgiving 2008,turducken

Comments

[JCW]

I was waiting for your review with baited breath... Glad to hear it wasn't a flop.

When they were out of smaller birds in the bin (And I just wanted to grab a bird and get the hell out of there), I ended up with a 19 pounder....

I give you our dinner menu for the next four days:

Fri: Turkey stroganoff
Sat: Open face turkey sandwiches with stuffing and gravy
Sun: Turkey spaghetti
Mon: Turkey tacos

I do believe I'll be serving beef for Christmas...

[higgie aka Roger]

I to have been thinking about shooting guns. Pistols that is, the Army taught me how to shoot rifles. I've heard that Yosemite gun range has a special on a certain day of the week. I'll check it out and let you know. Did you take any pictures of the ruptured duck, chicken, turkey ??

[Roxanne]

I too have checked back to see how the turkenstein thing went.
Glad it tasted ok....
I had Thanksgiving at my Dads in AZ last weekend. Yesterday we went to the Black Bear Diner across from my house and had a great TD dinner. And I didnt have to clean up!! But.. I dont get to have any turkey sammiches..JC... got any extra you want to share? :) I hope you all had a great holiday...Any people partake in BLACK FRIDAY???
I didnt.. I am not a competitive shopper hehehe

[Karen]

Re "thankful", at our get-together some bright soul started the round robin of "what I'm thankful for" with everyone participating. Yechh. They saved me for last, maybe because I was away from the table handwashing some big dishes while this schmaltzy crap was going on, or possibly because they know I HATE that cornball stuff. I said, "I pass. I am not comfortable doing this."

Food was great. Eight shrieking brats was not. I stood it for four hours and decided that was enough.

[writtenwyrdd]

I shoot regularly and enjoy it, but then I've worked in law enforcement and had to carry guns for work. But it costs a lot, and you have to be conscious of the gun's safety and security at all times. You might check out if you can shoot with a gun range's guns. Some have "rentals" you can use.

For "plinking" e.g. target shooting only, a bull-barrel .22 target pistol is a good choice. For higher-powered shooting, I like a 9mm Glock 17. I don't care for .40 calibre or .45 calibre.

[writtenwyrdd]

Oh, and I forgot to tell you your turducken travails made me laugh! Now you know you shouldn't move it for 15-30 minutes, you'll be able to manage it next time just fine.

[Karen]

Not that you're going to do it again, but you could lay a piece of cheesecloth in the pan before setting the bird on top of it, long enough to fold up over the top of the critter and use later for handles to lift it (using heat- and wet-proof gloves). Meanwhile the cloth would help hold any basting juices on the skin longer.