Dear Bitch, Asshole & Co. Client,
In response to your recent letter terminating our services, I thank you. In fact, how soon can you get down here to pick up your shit? The entire office went out for drinks to celebrate and I don't want to miss the party.
I am a little confused by some of the things you said in your letter. Perhaps you can enlighten me.
You began with a list of grievances we met to discuss - and resolved - months ago. Four months, to be exact. At the time of that meeting, the Horrible Deeds were already over six months in the past, had not recurred, and were not likely to recur as they were due to unusual circumstances. We saw that you were upset, however, so we apologized and promised it would never happen again. And, if fact, it did not. Yet here they are showing up again in your letter as some sort of attempt to chastise us for prior bad behavior. Really, can't you just give us after-school detention and be done with it?
I notice you inflated our transgressions just a teensy bit, too. Did you think we would not notice a financial statement delayed by one month due to tax season and the physical relocation of our office suddenly morphing into four whole months without a financial statement? But then, you always have been prone to exaggeration. Perhaps you don't even know you are doing it.
I did have to laugh out loud at the part where you quoted us as saying we were not interested in providing services in a professional manner. Quoted! (I am giggling a bit right now, even.) Who would say that? I think we probably confused you with our accountant-speak. Here is a primer:
| "We are unable to provide services at the level you desire" MEANS "We will never be able to make you happy because you are never satisfied" |
| "We strongly urge you to find another accountant" MEANS "We want to fire you but do not quite have the balls yet so we are hoping you will fire us instead, the sooner the better" |
| "We will be happy to assign your account to another bookkeeper" MEANS "We have one person left in the office who has not yet worked with you and is willing to take on your account because she is a team player and prides herself on being able to work with anyone" |
Do you realize you have been through four of our bookkeepers in the past three years? Did you know you regularly made one of them cry? (And she is not the crying type, either, you evil shit.) The one constant through all of this has been you. YOU. Has it not occurred to you that perhaps it is you, not us, that is the problem?
No, of course it hasn't.
And to think this whole brouhaha started because your name ended up on the "naughty" list for your whole Company to see. You know, consistently waiting until the end of the month to pay a bill that was due back on the first is not exactly fiscally responsible. But hey, we rolled with it. Until, that is, you shoved your envelope of cash through our mail slot after 5:00pm on the 31st after everyone had gone home and then were surprised your payment was not considered received by the end of the month. (P.S. Envelope of cash? Who does that? Are you a drug dealer?)
The most amusing part of your letter was how you clearly thought you were being professional - with your bullet points and your big adjectives - all the while sounding like a petulant child who did not get his way. Does that really work for you elsewhere in life? Maybe people just get sick of dealing with your unpleasantness and placate you so you will go away. I only tolerate that sort of behavior from old people and small children. The former because it sucks to get old and they have earned the right to behave any damn way they want to. The latter because I get to send them home with their parents to deal with and that amuses me.
So, thank you so much for firing us! I wish you well in your future endeavors. Okay, not really. Unlike you, I make no pretense this is a professional letter. I am just happy you will soon be gone and I will no longer have to hear about what new bitchy thing you did this week or find people crying in the bathroom as a result of another one of your schizo episodes.
I will not miss you at all, you sanctimonious ass.
Hugs and kisses,
Sheila
P.S. The part where you said you expect us to finish your December bookkeeping and facilitate the transition to a new accountant for no charge was a joke, right?
Tags: accounting, tax follies
