GetSheila

I think I have a mild case of BPPV.

What is BPPV, you ask? CNN's Health Library says:

Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). BPPV involves intense, brief episodes of vertigo associated with a change in the position of your head, often when you turn over in bed or sit up in the morning. It occurs when normal calcium carbonate crystals (otoconia) break loose and fall into the wrong part of the canals in your inner ear. When these particles shift, they stimulate sensors in your ear, producing an episode of vertigo. Doctors don't know what causes BPPV, but it may be a natural result of aging. Trauma to your head also may lead to BPPV.

Since I have had no head trauma that I am aware of, it is a result of aging. AGING. Gah!

I am not happy about this.

On the up side, my friend and co-worker Janice has had this for years and lives a perfectly normal life. She just has to remember not to sleep on her right side or she will wake up sea sick. The trick, she says, is NOT to avoid the spinning completely. Like an ice skater trained to spin and not fall down, you have to train your body to resist the temptation to fall down or throw up.

Fun.

Your body will automatically compensate to avoid the Very Bad Thing, she says, but if you let it do that, you will never learn to tolerate it.

Sounds so easy. Like skiing. Skiing sounded easy before I tried it. And yoga. Yoga still looks easy to me. Then I get down on the floor and discover the human body is not naturally bendy. And THEN, I roll over from my back to my stomach and start to spin spin spin! Woo! And before you ask, no, I do not roll over quickly. I roll over ever so gently and slowly since the first time it happened. There is a short delay where I think I am safe and then, WHEEEEEEEE, the ride begins.

I am whining. I recognize this. My leetle episodes are quite brief: less than ten seconds each. And I have only had about, oh, I don't know...more than five, less than ten.

It just freaks me out when my body does something new and disturbing and the only answers are:

1. No one knows why it happens, and
2. There is no treatment.

Did I say 'Gah'?

P.S. Saturday office hours have begun. No clients today but I know they are out there. Waiting. Watching. (Hold me.)

The Not-So-New Year's Non-Resolution

Bitch, bitch, bitch...that is all I seem to do lately, isn't it?

I do not make New Year's Resolutions, but if I did, this year's would be:

BE LESS NEGATIVE

For example:

When someone pisses me off, instead of saying "Fuck off!" in my mind (or sometimes out loud, under my breath, when I think I am alone), I will say "Piss off."

What? Baby steps, people. One cannot go from "Fuck off" to "Have a nice day" all at once. There is a process. It goes something like this:

1. "Piss off"
2. "I am sorry you feel that way but it has nothing to do with me. I suggest you take a look at where your unhappiness is really coming from."
3. "I just cannot deal with you right now. Please, please go bother someone else."
4. "Yeah, sure, okay, whatever you want. We are all going to die, anyway, so what do I care?"

* freak catastrophic event occurs leaving me brain damaged *

5. "Have a nice day"

Did I miss one? Let's see: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, - complete personality change due to outside forces beyond my control -, acceptance.

Yep, that about covers it.

Tags: mental health, resolutions, anger

UPS needs work, too

Remember my little issue with California Overnight? Well now I have one with UPS. Not a big one, because they fixed it pronto, but still.

I found this on my door Friday when I got home from work.

In  retrospect - and we all know retrospect is 20:20 - that little scribble at the top tells me exactly what they were trying to deliver. At the time, however, it was just an incomprehensible scribble to me. I thought it was the delivery guy's initials.

Having received my encoded message, I logged on and input the secret password for further instruction. Just as on the notice, there was no recipient name on the website. It did tell me the next delivery day would be Monday and the package weighed 6 lbs. Hm...I did not remember ordering anything that heavy but I did just make several Internet orders and who can keep track? I gave them a new location (my office, since it would be Monday) and recipient at that location (me.)

As you have probably guessed by now, the package was not for me but rather the former homeowners but of course I did not figure that out until I opened it. They are apparently in a wine club. Now that you know that, go back and look at the scribble at the top of the UPS notice. And the big circle around "Adult signature required (min. 21 years of age.)"

If only the UPS driver had put the NAME on the notice I could have rejected it before I opened it. Or if the website had included the intended recipient's name. Instead, I had to call UPS (oh good god, why does it take so long to reach a live person?), explain what happened, wait for a call back from someone higher up at UPS, explain what happened again, further explain why I instructed them to forward the package to my work if it was not addressed to me in the first place (no name, hello!), and then...what?...you'll come pick it up?...for free?...just like that?...really?

Oh.

Now I can't even be mad. And they were so nice and cheerful the whole time, too.

Damn.

Tags: package delivery, ups

And they said being an accountant would turn me Republican

Who is your BFF Presidential candidate? Take the quiz!

80% John Edwards
72% Hillary Clinton
72% Bill Richardson
70% Barack Obama
69% Joe Biden
67% Chris Dodd
67% Mike Gravel
60% Dennis Kucinich
46% Tom Tancredo
43% Mike Huckabee
42% Rudy Giuliani
40% John McCain
35% Mitt Romney
31% Fred Thompson
24% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

via TunaGirl

Tags: 2008 presidential candidate

And it begins

Here I sit at 8:30am on a Saturday in my office at work while NO ONE ELSE IS HERE. I thought this was tax season! Maybe I am confused and it has not officially started yet.

I AM only here to finish up and audit (ptooey!) and get it out of my hair before the tax returns start rolling in.

I cannot really complain. They were all here last weekend while I was off tra-la-la doing...wait, what was I doing? I certainly was not here. Oh that's right, I was sick in bed. Hey, I CAN complain! I love it when that happens.

A toast: To working on Saturday, where sweats are in and makeup is out. God bless the locked front door and silent telephones.

P.S. Happy Birthday, G!

Aspirin, The Miracle Drug

I woke this morning with a screaming headache, despite having the vaporizer going full blast all night to ease my wretched cough.

By "cough" I mean "barking that would make any sea lion proud."

And by ""full blast" on the vaporizer I mean "barely discernible waft of steam no matter how much salt I added to the water."

Did you know your hot steam vaporizer requires disassembly and cleaning of the filaments every 150 hours of use? This involves a screw driver, lots of white vinegar, and a dull knife for stubborn calcium cling-ons.

While waiting for the vinegar to do its thing yesterday, I thought perhaps I should enhance my understanding of vaporizers by reading the instructions. It has been ten years or so since I first bought it. A refresher could not hurt.

Low and behold, there was that "add a pinch of salt to the water if you get no steam in the first five minutes" tip, which I had completely forgotten. Another revelation? Vicks VapoSteam goes IN the water while other inhalants go in the external medication cup that sits below the steam vent. Either way, you have extra cleaning to do. VapoSteam in the water leaves an oily residue so you have to clean the inside of the basin. The external exhalant, on the other hand, is released with the steam, leaving a mineral oil base in the medication cup, which you then have to sop up with a cotton ball.

Too much bother. Besides, I bought a bottle of each kind of inhalant when I bought the vaporizer. Neither has an expiration date but, um, I'm pretty sure they are way past their prime. Though the VapoSteam does smell comfortingly like regular old Vicks VapoRub as I sit here with the cap off, sniffing it one nostril at a time back and forth like a glue junkie.

Vaporizer aside, my drug of choice today is aspirin. It truly is a miracle drug. I popped two pills this morning and thirty minutes later my headache was gone. My backache, too. I consider it extremely unfair that my back hurt because I laid around for sixteen hours straight. What was I supposed to do, hack and cough and blow my nose while forcing fluids, all while sitting in an upright position?

Now that I am feeling so perky, I should probably go to the grocery store to stock up on cold meds then come back home and do a little yard work before the rain returns.

Or I could just sit here next to the fire sniffing my expired Vicks VapoSteam, reading the first five, then the last three, chapters in each of the dozen or so mystery novels my mom passed on to me, surrounded by sleeping kitties, a cup of tea, and a box of Kleenex® Lotion Tissue.

Decisions, decisions.

Tags: cold and flu

Hot Hot Hot!

Something odd is happening to my body temperature.

Since the weather turned cold, I have kept the thermostat at 64 degrees, only bumping it up to 67 for an hour or so when I first get up in the morning and when I arrive home from work in the evening.

64 degrees! I thought perhaps my thermostat was just wonky and somehow registers 5 to 10 degrees less than the real temperature. But no, everyone who visits is cold. Even my sister who, when I used to live with her and complain about how cold she kept the house, would tell me to put on a sweater.

Now I know what you're thinking but I am fairly certain is in not menopause or pre-menopause or any kind of 'pause whatsoever. I do not get hot flashes. I do not feel hot on the inside. I just like the feeling of the coolness on my skin. Perhaps the culprit is my surprisingly warm comforter that makes me sweat if I put anything else on the bed with it other that sheets. (Surprising for your basic $40 JCPenney fare.) Also, I freeze my ass off at work. So much so that I bought a tiny space heater I am told I must hide when the fire inspectors come around because they frown upon such things as a potential fire hazard.

So I am pretty sure I know what is in NOT. I would much rather know what it IS.

Oh, and I have cough-due-to-cold. I am writing this from bed with the vaporizer going full blast on the floor next to me.

Pity me.

Tags: not menopause, feeling hot

Delivery Etiquette

Last night at about nine pm, I heard a bang and a tumble somewhere at the front of the house. I was in bed (yes, I have no life) so I got up to see what the cats had knocked over. To my surprise, they were both sound asleep. On the chance they were cunningly faking it, I made the rounds but did not find a single thing out of place. I even stuck my head into the garage and out onto the back patio to see if something had spontaneously taken a tumble. Nothing amiss.

So of course I was freaked out all night because I knew someone must be living in my attic. Not completely freaked out because I knew the cats would go crazy if anything were to move around up there but still, I was perplexed.

This morning I found a parcel up against my front door. All that clatter the night before yet no doorbell ring. And so late! This is the second time I have been home when a package was dumped off on my front step and the bell was not rung. It does work, by the way. I checked. And I did not just happen to miss it. It is one of those old fashiondy ones with four long dangly chimers that make eight impossible-to-miss tones when you press the doorbell. It is not the sort of thing you miss.

Not only did the box sit out all night, but it did so in plain sight, smack in front of the door, clearly visible from the street. My front porch has several archways behind which all other deliveries have been stashed so as to hide them from lookie-loos.

Thank goodness no one stole my box of LitterLocker Plus refills during the night!

____________________________________________________

After typing this, it occurred to me to check the package tracking on the CA Overnight website. It says they delivered it at 8:02am this morning! Which MEANS:

1. I still have no explanation for last night's big scary noise so, in theory, I could indeed have a serial killer living in my attic,
2. It is possible my doorbell rang and I did not hear it over the blow dryer, but I seriously doubt it because I do not think I was blow drying my hair at 8:02 and did I mention the crazy loud, long doorbell chime that is impossible to miss?, and  
3. CA Overnight still gets demerits for leaving my package in plain view from the street. Normal people would already be at work at 8:02 so it would have sat out there all day. Bad CA Overnight! Bad BAD, CA Overnight!

Tags: ca overnight, package delivery

Ode to Asshole

Dear Bitch, Asshole & Co. Client,

In response to your recent letter terminating our services, I thank you. In fact, how soon can you get down here to pick up your shit? The entire office went out for drinks to celebrate and I don't want to miss the party.

I am a little confused by some of the things you said in your letter. Perhaps you can enlighten me. 

You began with a list of grievances we met to discuss - and resolved - months ago. Four months, to be exact. At the time of that meeting, the Horrible Deeds were already over six months in the past, had not recurred, and were not likely to recur as they were due to unusual circumstances. We saw that you were upset, however, so we apologized and promised it would never happen again. And, if fact, it did not. Yet here they are showing up again in your letter as some sort of attempt to chastise us for prior bad behavior. Really, can't you just give us after-school detention and be done with it?

I notice you inflated our transgressions just a teensy bit, too. Did you think we would not notice a financial statement delayed by one month due to tax season and the physical relocation of our office suddenly morphing into four whole months without a financial statement? But then, you always have been prone to exaggeration. Perhaps you don't even know you are doing it.

I did have to laugh out loud at the part where you quoted us as saying we were not interested in providing services in a professional manner. Quoted! (I am giggling a bit right now, even.) Who would say that? I think we probably confused you with our accountant-speak. Here is a primer: 

"We are unable to provide services at the level you desire" MEANS "We will never be able to make you happy because you are never satisfied"

"We strongly urge you to find another accountant" MEANS "We want to fire you but do not quite have the balls yet so we are hoping you will fire us instead, the sooner the better"

"We will be happy to assign your account to another bookkeeper" MEANS "We have one person left in the office who has not yet worked with you and is willing to take on your account because she is a team player and prides herself on being able to work with anyone"

Do you realize you have been through four of our bookkeepers in the past three years? Did you know you regularly made one of them cry? (And she is not the crying type, either, you evil shit.) The one constant through all of this has been you. YOU. Has it not occurred to you that perhaps it is you, not us, that is the problem?

No, of course it hasn't.

And to think this whole brouhaha started because your name ended up on the "naughty" list for your whole Company to see. You know, consistently waiting until the end of the month to pay a bill that was due back on the first is not exactly fiscally responsible. But hey, we rolled with it. Until, that is, you shoved your envelope of cash through our mail slot after 5:00pm on the 31st after everyone had gone home and then were surprised your payment was not considered received by the end of the month. (P.S. Envelope of cash? Who does that? Are you a drug dealer?)

The most amusing part of your letter was how you clearly thought you were being professional - with your bullet points and your big adjectives - all the while sounding like a petulant child who did not get his way. Does that really work for you elsewhere in life? Maybe people just get sick of dealing with your unpleasantness and placate you so you will go away. I only tolerate that sort of behavior from old people and small children. The former because it sucks to get old and they have earned the right to behave any damn way they want to. The latter because I get to send them home with their parents to deal with and that amuses me.

So, thank you so much for firing us! I wish you well in your future endeavors. Okay, not really. Unlike you, I make no pretense this is a professional letter. I am just happy you will soon be gone and I will no longer have to hear about what new bitchy thing you did this week or find people crying in the bathroom as a result of another one of your schizo episodes.

I will not miss you at all, you sanctimonious ass.

Hugs and kisses,

Sheila

P.S. The part where you said you expect us to finish your December bookkeeping and facilitate the transition to a new accountant for no charge was a joke, right?

Tags: accounting, tax follies