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There is much I could tell you.

I could tell you about the new man in my life.

I could tell you about my fabulous new job.

I could tell you how excited I am about the new city that comes with my fabulous new job.

But if I told you all that, well, that would make me a BIG FAT LIAR.

Still the same old shit here, just a different day.

Wish you were here.

________________

P.S. Sorry about that second line. I know you got all excited thinking, "Oh my god, what? A man? No! Really? Oh my god!" And then I went and dashed your hopes on the jagged rocks of my sexless existence. That was rude of me, wasn't it? So, so sorry about that.  

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Tags: meme, vidualdna

Are Bloggers Killing Traditional Media?

Do you believe the media's main purpose is to watchdog the government?

I like this better: the media's main purpose is "to serve the public by providing information, exposing wrongdoing and educating the masses on relevant issues."

This definition of course includes watchdogging the government, but that is only one small part of the larger duty. Provide information. Educate. Expose wrongdoing everywhere, not just at the government level.

I am thinking about the role of the media because I had a conversation over the weekend with a real journalist (as opposed to, you know, a mere blogger) who said the media's main purpose is to watchdog the government and bloggers are the anti-Christ.

Okay, maybe he did not call bloggers the anti-Christ but the thought bubble was definitely hovering. Then began a long discussion about how traditional media is in trouble and did I not see how blogging is WRONG because it takes readers/listeners/watchers away from traditional media sources who need the money they earn from those people to pay their real journalists to write real, unbiased, thoroughly researched stories, as opposed to the opinionated drivel produced by bloggers?

I pondered, as I sipped my vodka, that 1) he does not actually read blogs or he would know that blogging has its Washington Posts, National Enquirers, and Guns 'n Ammos just like traditional media does, 2) he has elected me Everyblogger, which means he does not read my blogs either or he would know I am the wrong person to elect to this position (or maybe I am simply the only blogger he knows), and 3) since when are stories produced by "real" journalists unbiased?

But I did not say any of this because I was drunk at the time. Really, why anyone tries to have a conversation with me when I am drunk is a mystery to me.

A third person finally told us we could stop talking because we actually agreed on the basic issue, on which frankly I am still unclear. The reason we were still talking, Third-Person said, was because HIS goal was to get me to agree with his opinion while MY goal was to find a solution to the problem.

Which is funny because it was the problem he presented - bloggers are killing traditional media - to which I was trying to offer a gentle suggestion, if not an actual solution - bloggers and social media are not going away so traditional media needs to stop bitching about it and find a way to adapt.

It would have been helpful to know at the beginning of the drunken conversation that I was not actually being asked to provide my opinion but merely to agree with his opinion that it is a serious problem and somebody really needs to do something about it. Then maybe we could have played Yahtzee or something and had a much nicer time.

My questions for you, dear reader:

1. What do you think is the media's main purpose?
2. What do you consider "the media?" Does it include blogs? If so, does it include all blogs?
3. Where do you get your information, be it news, entertainment, or special interests? Newspapers? Blogs? NPR? Magazines? TV News? Over the back fence with the gossipy neighbor? Where?

More on this subject | And a bit more 

 

Tags: blogs vs traditional media

The Devil Wears Crocs and Smells of Pork Chops

I learned something disturbing this weekend: I can no longer drink to excess without consequence.

Bummer.

I had my first inkling of this last year at the office's after-tax-season Survivor's Party. It was held at an Indian gaming casino with attached swanky hotel. The Kahunas sprang for everyone to stay the night so we could party hearty, which we did, much to my regret the next morning.

Have no fear. I am not about to regale you with gleeful stories of fluids evacuating my body at various speeds and trajectories. No, that would be crude. I speak rather of what happens to the mind when confronted with the knowledge that 1) you are very sick, 2) you are going to be very sick for several hours yet to come, and 3) you are not sick enough to actually die and thus end the horror in which you now find yourself.

I had never before experienced the phenomenon of being so miserable I could not sleep. If you have not experienced this, I hope you never do. It is torture. All I could think about were cancer patients and other people who live with constant pain and nausea for weeks and months and years on end and, DEAR GOD, how do they do it?

So then I had the additional burden of guilt over feeling sorry for myself after a mere six hours of misery when there was a chemo patient somewhere at that very moment puking her guts out and not having the luxury of knowing whether she was going to live in the end.

That is where my mind goes when confronted with sleepless pain and nausea. Where does yours go?

I finally got a little sleep after an emergency air drop of Advil and Tums. While I slept, the office crew had a 10 o'clock breakfast meeting to talk about how to get my sick ass AND my car down the mountain, since I would be in no shape to drive by the noon checkout time. Little did they know the combination of Advil, Tums, and and hour and a half of sleep is The Secret of Life. By the time they got to my door at 11:45, I was brushing my teeth and giddy with the euphoria of normalcy.

What does all of this have to do with this past weekend, you ask? Well, my dear friend Tania got me drunk. Damn her! The good news is it was not as bad as last year, pirin tablets were close at hand, and I had a private bed available for as long as I wanted, with no noon checkout hanging over my head. I slept until 2:00, then did her taxes. (Note to self: taxes first, drunkenness after.)

I got back at her, though. I broke her wireless network. She had to get on the phone with tech support to get it fixed. But wait, that was before the drinks started coming fast and furious. DAMN YOU, TANIA!

LESSONS LEARNED  Do not drink to excess; If there is a chance you may violate lesson #1, be sure to have pain pills and Tums on hand; Always have a bed available with no time restrictions on its usage; If you break someone's wireless home network, accept no food or beverages from that person for the rest of the day (or possibly forever.)

_________________________

Note about the post title: Tania does not really smell of pork chops but she did have one waiting for me when I arrived. So thoughtful. And though I saw some crocs in the shoe pile, I cannot say for sure they were hers.

Tags: drinking, tania, tax season follies

Weekend Getaway...well, sorta

I am taking the Entire. Weekend. Off.

I am traveling to Sacra-tomato to visit with a friend and, well, do her taxes. And her mother's. Because heaven forbid I go anywhere for pure pleasure. No, I must have a project. It is the only way to get me out of the house.

So no posting from me until Monday night. Even if I have the opportunity to post, I do not think I will. Any free time I have will be devoted to lying around chatting, sipping on a cocktail, or shopping at IKEA.

Speaking of traveling, it recently dawned on me that I am the traveling friend. Or at least I used to be. You know the one I am talking about. The friend or relative who comes to visit you but you do not reciprocate and go to visit him or her. Perhaps because it is easier for the childless to pick up and travel. Or perhaps it is because I have friends in bustling cities so I always seem to be passing through or ruthlessly using them for free room and board. Meanwhile, I live in podunkville so they would have to specifically want to see me otherwise why in god's name would they come here?

Or maybe everyone in the world really is allergic to cats so it is nothing personal.

Have a lovely weekend. If you do not hear from me by Tuesday, look for my dehydrated body at IKEA Sacramento. Start in furniture.

Tags: tax season follies, travel

How to Make Your Accountant Like You

I realize you are probably sick of hearing about income taxes, and I am sorry about that, but it is all I think about these days. Rest assured it will all be over in a month. Twenty seven days, to be exact. Not that I am counting.

Today I present you with a few basic guidelines to follow when getting ready for your tax appointment. If you do not use an accountant but choose to prepare your own taxes instead, do these things anyway. If they make an accountant's life easier at tax time, they will make your life easier at tax time.

1. Open your mail. If it turns out to be a tax document, do not put it back in the envelope. Unfold the document and lay it flat. Place the envelope in the recycling bin. Pick up next piece of mail. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


2. Fill out your tax organizer. If your accountant sends you a tax organizer, fill it out. At the very least, look at each page to see what was on your return last year (prior year amounts are "proformaed") and make sure the pile you started at #1 above includes those same items for this year, if applicable. In fact, put that pile of documents in the same order as it appears in the organizer. Your accountant will think kindly of you.


3. Staples are not your friend. Your accountant often photocopies your tax documents to have one for the file while returning the original to you. Today's photocopy machines have feeders that can accommodate a stack of documents of varying size and orientation. Unless they are stapled. Stapled documents give the machine a hernia and it complains. Not only does your accountant have to remove the staple and put the pages back in the feeder to start over, he or she has to open a minimum of three (often more) compartments on the copy machine to clear the jams that occurred as a result of one, tiny staple. Never, never staple documents you provide to your accountant. If you insist on segregation, paper clips are your new best friend.


4. Provide an email address. Even my seventy nine year old mother uses email. Get with the program!


5. Provide the cost basis for any stock sales. Did you sell stock, bonds, or mutual funds during the year? Investment companies usually provide basis information with their year-end statements but they do not always have complete records. Or maybe you do not use an investment company and keep track of your investments yourself. Either way, make sure to provide the cost basis for each stock sale. If you do not, your return will be delayed while the accountant contacts you to request the basis info. You will have to provide it then, so why not just provide it up front and be done with it?

I am often excited to see the green-striped envelope that our organizers go out in come back with the client information. Hooray, I think, the client actually filled out the organizer! Woe is me when I open it to find a pristine organizer: not a mark on it. Sometimes the envelope has not even been opened. (See #1) Why does the client send it back? Do they not realize what a slap in the face that is? Here is your tax organizer back, you silly accountant. You did not expect me to waste my time filling it out, did you? That is what I pay you for. And by the way, my bill is too high. 

It is the simple things we treasure during tax season. Direct access to complete tax information. An easy way to contact you with questions. No staples. And if you want to throw in a little chocolate along the way, that would be okay, too.

Respectfully,

Employee No. 6

Tags: tax season follies, tax tips

Clients Who Should Be Fired - Episode 1

We all have clients we want to fire. This one is not mine but I did so enjoy hearing the tale. Except for the part where the storyteller's head almost exploded in frustration. 

Employee No. 4 prepares the quarterly payroll tax reports for a client whom we shall call Bob. In January, Employee No. 4 calls Bobette (Bob's secretary) to remind her to send over the payroll information so she can prepare the fourth quarter and year-end payroll reports. Bobette says Bob instructed her to prepare the payroll reports from now on since everything is in Quickbooks and Local CPA Firm is just too expensive. She says that last part nicely. Bobette is a very nice person.

Employee No. 4 says, "Great! I am sick of spending hours cleaning up the Quickbooks file you send over and correcting all of your mistakes, only to have Bob bitch about the bill."

On the inside. I am sure what she said out loud was much more businesslike and professional.

A note about timing: payroll reports are due to taxing authorities by January 31st. Recipient copies of W-2's and 1099's are also due by January 31st. Government copies of W-2's and 1099's are due to taxing authorities by the end of February.

So March 16, Bob calls Employee No. 4 and wants to know where his W-2's are. (What? You say he is a month and a half late providing W-2's to his employees and has also missed the government filing deadline? I noticed that, too!)

Employee No. 4 gently reminds Bob that Bobette is now doing his payroll reporting in-house. No no, says Bob, she is only doing the quarterly reports, not the year-end W-2's. Bobette obviously cannot be relied on to communicate the correct information so please, from now on, do not go through Bobette. Communicate directly with Bob only.

Employee No. 4 sighs (on the inside) and tells Bob to send over his Quickbooks file. When she gets it, she discovers Bobette only filed the fourth quarter report to the state and did not file the two federal reports that were also due. In addition, she discovers Bobette deleted two payroll checks from the system that were issued in a prior quarter, thus throwing the numbers off and causing Employee No. 4 to spend extra time finding and correcting the error.

Meanwhile, she cannot stop thinking about how Bob is not going to appreciate her efforts to clean up his books (yet again) and all she has to look forward to is listening to him bitch about the bill. Again.

Bob, who said his secretary could do the payroll reporting because how hard could it be?

Bob, who told Employee No. 4 to communicate directly with him from now on, then instructed Bobette to call her the next day when he (not Bobette) had a tax question.

Dear Bob, You need to either 1) get a competent in-house bookkeeper, or 2) stop bitching about our bill because I assure you we earn every penny. Since neither of those scenarios is likely to happen, please take your unappreciative, penny-pinching business elsewhere. You're fired. Warm regards, Your Local CPA Firm

Tags: tax season follies

To Cruise or Not to Cruise

I have the opportunity to go on a 4-day cruise to Mexico in July with a group of friends.

I have never been on a cruise but I have always thought it would be great fun.

So why does the idea of packing and traveling fill me with dread? Why, when given a choice between going out or staying in, I always choose home? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I should go on the cruise. Deposits are due Wednesday, which means I have to make a decision in the next 36 hours.

Help me.

Tags: cruise, decision coma, travel

The line forms to the right

A phrase everyone should know:

Lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency on mine.

I am not saying I do not care about your project. What I am saying is there are only a few things that will cause me to immediately drop what I am doing and take hasty action:

1. The building is on fire;
2. The airplane is on fire;
3. I am on fire;
4. My friends are waiting for me at happy hour;
5. There are donuts in the break room.

If you come bearing anything other than fire, donuts, or a reminder that it is happy hour, please get in line. It forms to the right.

*     *     *

So what do you say when someone freaks out because they need something RIGHT NOW?

Tags: tax season follies

Strange New Products

OH. MY. GOD. I just discovered the site Strange New Products. A sampling:

• Celebrity butt plugs: Now you can stick George W. Bush up your butt.
• Caffeinated sunflower seeds
• Diaper harness for doggies
• Breezeguard: A safety cage for doggies who like to stick their heads out of moving vehicles.
• Poop soap: That's right. Soap that looks like poop. You could use it after sticking George W. Bush up your butt. That has a certain symmetry, don't you think?

Okay, that is all I will subject you to, but that is just the first page, folks. Their archives go back to July 2005.

By the way, these are all real products. It is not a joke site. It is for real. Each post links to the product website, if one is available, where you can order it or find out more information.

 

 

Tags: strange new products, links