Dear Tax Client,
Thank you for dropping off your tax information today. I appreciate the effort you made to bring it in early this year. Everyone else usually waits until the last minute but you gave me three full days before the final extension deadline to work my magic. So thoughtful.
And you delivered it in such a pretty department store shopping bag, too. How cute that there was a shoebox inside stuffed full of your meal receipts for the year. Did you know you can only deduct meals when they are directly related to or associated with your business? Since the great majority of your receipts included only one meal (indicating you were eating alone) and you made no notation as to the business purpose or who else was present, I had to assume the meals did not qualify for deduction. So sorry.
I found several items not related to your income taxes when I upended the bag onto my desk and it spilled over onto the floor. If you have been missing the following, please rest assured that I will return them to you along with your completed tax returns: unopened utility bill, travel magazine, chapstick, hair scrunchy, several pieces of junk mail, one sock, and your check register. Did you just throw those in there to see if I'm paying attention? You are such a kidder.
At the end of the day, you owe the IRS $7,500 and the California FTB $5,000. It is a pity your paperwork was not better organized. I bet you've left some expenses on the table. Oh well. Better luck next year.
My bill comes to $1,800, which includes an extension fee, a late information fee, a grocery-bag-client fee, a shoe-box-client fee (I've never had one person be both a grocery-bag and a shoe-box client before. It's usually one or the other. How novel!), a hazard fee, an aggravation fee, and a storage fee for all the crap you sent me that was completely unrelated to your tax returns.
I will expect payment in full when you pick up your completed returns, which will undoubtedly be well after five o'clock on the deadline day when I should be at the bar drinking with my co-workers but will instead be stuck waiting for your lame ass because you can't be bothered to get here on time.
Once you do arrive, rather than thanking me for a job well done with the limited time and mountain of crap information I was given, I can look forward to you bitching about how much tax you owe before ultimately refusing to pay my bill and storming out in a huff.
Just be sure to take your moldy laundry and paperwork with you.
Warmest Regards,
Sheila Livingston, CPA
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Disclaimer: I can't believe I'm writing a disclaimer! But here it is: the client represented in this post is fictional. The name (if I had used one) would have been changed to protect the (lazy, disorganized, cheap, inconsiderate) innocent. This client is an amalgamation of deadbeat clients I have encountered during my twenty years as an accountant. And it doesn't come even close to representing all of them.
