Traveling seems to bring out the stupid in me. My latest trip to Orcas Island for a friend's wedding, for example. Let's review:
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Slammed my head in the rental car door
How is it that I can be standing completely outside of the car, yet my head remains within the trajectory of the slamming door? I am the only person I know who has ever done this.
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Wasn't paying attention at the ferry so the attendant had to run up and bang on my windshield to get me to board
I arrived what I thought was an hour early for the afternoon ferry to the island, but it turned out I had the wrong schedule so I was only thirty minutes early and missed boarding by FOUR CARS. But I came prepared with a book, which was good because the hour I had to wait for the next ferry turned into two because...well, I'm not sure. They didn't say.
Meanwhile, it started to rain so I rolled up my windows as my windshield became a dirt-smeared, opaque mess. I heard the boarding call, but it was for the walk-ons and I assumed (you know, Ass-U-Me'd) there would be another big announcement that the vehicle boarding was starting. I don't know what finally made me look up from my book, but it was just in time to see a rain-slicker clad woman hurrying towards my car, gesturing furiously.
I only got about twenty yards before the line stopped again so, technically, my inattention did not hold anything up. I still felt bad, though. I hate being the cause of thoughts like "Goddam tourist!" and "What does she think this is, a vacation?" -
Returned my rental car without checking it in
The sign said "Pull forward. Leave keys in car." I followed the instructions. There was no one about. I left.
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Waited until ten minutes before my plane boarded to panic about the rental car
I arrived three hours early for my flight and spent two of them on my computer without a care in the world. Thirty minutes before my flight was to board, it occurred to me perhaps I should make sure the car had been checked in and the meter stopped on my credit card charges. I didn't want to leave the gate because then I would have to go through security again and THAT takes forever and I don't have time for that! So I spent the next twenty minutes on the phone alternating between a recording from the rental car desk two floors below and a live customer service rep in another state who was a tad light in the "service" area.
Ten minutes before I was supposed to board I finally gave up the Ma Bell route and raced out of the gate area, down two flights of escalators to the rental car desk where two nice ladies told me no, I was not stupid (They were just being polite. I know that!), and promised to get it sorted out. They said they would call me on my cell phone when they located the car, which had probably been washed and rented again (since it had been two hours!), but they did not want me to miss my flight so I should go. Which I did, but not before running into someone from the wedding and trying to make both polite chit-chat and my escape at the same time.
The security line was, of course, twice as long as it was the first time around but I had eighteen minutes before the plane was scheduled to depart and it seemed to be moving pretty fast. Halfway through, the rental car agency called to say they located the car and I was off the hook. THANK GOD. I got through security (I have to take my hiking boots off AGAIN?) with five minutes to spare and RAN (I never run) to the gate, only to discover boarding had not yet started because they were running just a teensy bit behind.
In retrospect, nothing horrible happened. And feeling stupid isn't so bad. If I never did anything stupid, I would have no stories to tell. How boring life would be if we all behaved perfectly, followed the rules, and never made a mistake.
LONG LIVE THE STUPID PEOPLE!
