In March of 1999, I realized my new job (read: my new boss) was sucking the life out of me. In response, I quit my job, sold my condo, and ran...um, moved...away. Here are some moving tips I came up with along the way.
Finally get the perfect job with the perfect company, making the perfect salary, working in the perfect office with the perfect co-workers.
Quit the perfect job after six months, preferably right before a big deadline (say tax season, if you happen to be a tax accountant).
Condense two years of therapy to purge bad feelings toward your former boss into one evening by inviting over your closest friends for a ritual burning of your initial Offer Letter.
Draft thank-you note to former boss explaining that you had been thinking of leaving your present career for several years now. Thank her for running up behind you and pushing you off the cliff. Add that the knife-in-the-back part wasn't really necessary, but you understand that business is war and that, should she one day find a bag of burning dog poop on her front porch, you hope she won't take it personally.
Make appointment with therapist, as the ritual burning of the Offer Letter obviously did not work.
Obtain moving boxes, rolling tape dispenser, and one bottle of good vodka, preferably Ketel One.
Call sister and spend one hour together on the phone trying to figure out how the rolling tape dispenser works. Waste half of tape trying to thread the damn thing. Realize it's all wrong and waste more tape pulling it apart and putting it in the proper configuration, one so simple you realize why no instructions were included in the first place. Make a solemn vow with sister that you will discuss this incident with no one. Ever.
Remove vodka from freezer and pour into blue-stemmed martini glass obtained at previous firm's Christmas party. Fondly recall how you crashed the party with an old high school chum whom you recruited into the firm and then promptly deserted for the perfect job at the perfect company, etc. (Make note to call and see how she's doing.)
Add two olives to martini and toast your good luck at getting out of that sweatshop alive. Try not to feel smug about the current rumors that things have gotten even worse since you left. It's not polite to take pleasure in the misfortunes of others. Eat one olive.
Use up remainder of tape roll assembling one box and getting the hang of using the tape dispenser contraption thing-y. Remove tape from offended cat and other objects that got in the way. Call vet to inquire about Rogaine for felines.
Eat last olive and refill glass. Add olives and repeat as follows: assemble box, pack box, refill glass, add olives, repeat.
When you get back from Rehab, call all of your friends and invite them over for a barbecue. As they arrive, hand each of them an empty box and tell them that one beverage is available in exchange for one full box, then point to the fully stocked bar of alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. Add that the food is, of course, available immediately and point to the lavish spread of mostly dry and salty foods.
Bar Note: hire professionals to staff the bar, preferably one buff gay man and one gorgeous straight woman. The straight men will want to be near the woman for obvious reasons. The straight women will want to be near the man, mainly to determine whether or not he is gay but some will remain clueless and try to flirt with him. The gay men, having very finely tuned gay-dar, will already know he is gay and want to be near the god-like creature as well. Thus, everyone will want at least one, if not several, drinks and soon your household will be completely packed.
If any of your friends are still speaking to you, invite them over for a real barbecue in gratitude for all of their help and hard work. As they arrive, direct the stronger ones to pack the moving truck and hand the others cleaning equipment and assign them a room. Tell everyone that Monique and Lars are in the bar area and are looking forward to seeing them again.
Make appointment at Day-Spa to spend the money you just saved on packers, movers, and a cleaning service. The Salt Glow Rub comes highly recommended. Ask for Lars.
So there you have it: 15 steps to the perfect move. At this point, take any friends you have left out to dinner at a very nice restaurant. Only about three people will have stuck with you this far, so it shouldn't cost too much and, if you work it right, they'll end up buying you dinner to celebrate your big move. Cheers!
